Lived Experience Forum

[LadyleahRDBloom]

I had to edit this because it didn't work with the guidelines. I hate to be an ignorant pain but is there a list of words we can't use or can we just say "trigger warning" in the title bar? I'm not trying to be selfish but I really don't think about triggers when I'm upset. Sorry. 

Anyway. I've edited this and I really hope it's ok. 

I have a very chaotic family to say the least. Most I get along with but a select few I keep at arms length.

One of them is my father.  I need to rant about him. 

When I was 19 we got into a heated arguement. He became very physical and aggressive during the argument. After we went our seperate ways I told him I didn't want him to ring me unless it was important.   A lot of time has passed since then and he has completly ignored my wishes. I reminded him why I did not want to be in contact with him.  This made me mad and to be honest I'm scared too.   I want my father to understand what he did was beyond wrong and leave me alone. But I don't want a s...

I'm sick of him embarrassing me. I'm sick of my agency being taken away from me. I'm sick of his pretending that my mother was the manipulator and not him. Both sides made poor choices but he made the worse ones. Instead of blaming his faults on other people and causing scenes when he's told to "grow up" he needs to be responsible and apologise. Nope. He's a man! Men don't do that apperantly.

[LadyleahRDBloom]

Not a bump, just an apology about the hyperlink. I've only just seen it and I'm not sure as to how to remove it. Not spam, I promise.

[Margot]

Hi @LadyleahRDBloom,

I can really hear the anger and pain in your words. You've been doing all you can to communicate to your father what you need from him however he continues to take no responsibility. That's an incredibly tough space to be in. I wonder whether anybody else in your family has the same difficulty with him? Has there been anything they've found hepful?

Although we cant change the behaviour of other people, we can manage how we respond. Often that can mean taking a bit of a broken record approach - repeating how we feel and what we expect of the other person. It's really hard to perservere with this when the the person isn't receptive though so it makes sense you're feeling exhausted and frustrated. Looking after yourself amongst everything is so important too. 

If you have a counsellor, it might be good to chat with them about how to manage these dynamics over time.

Oh and if you'd like to remove the links, you can edit your post on a desktop computer or tablet by clicking 'edit' on the top right hand corner of your post. 

Hope that helps for now 🌻

[LadyleahRDBloom]

 I can really hear the anger and pain in your words. You've been doing all you can to communicate to your father what you need from him however he continues to take no responsibility. That's an incredibly tough space to be in. I wonder whether anybody else in your family has the same difficulty with him? Has there been anything they've found hepful?

Yes there are but they fall into the trap I call "the old man" trap. That consists of temper tantrums. Silent treatment and chauvisinim. It's just too difficult for any of us to get him to listen without a tantrum. My full brother laid down the law once when Dad was making snarky comments about their son and his wife. Dad backed off and apologised but he hasn't "learned" or "changed" 

I don't know if Dad is a narc or he's just not coping with modern day people. I think it's a mixture of both. I do understand that his parents were anything but decent human beings but that's no excuse for Making scenes and manipulating people and crying victim. None of those actions achieve anything. 

Although we cant change the behaviour of other people, we can manage how we respond. Often that can mean taking a bit of a broken record approach - repeating how we feel and what we expect of the other person. It's really hard to perservere with this when the the person isn't receptive though so it makes sense you're feeling exhausted and frustrated. Looking after yourself amongst everything is so important too. 

Exactly. 

If you have a counsellor, it might be good to chat with them about how to manage these dynamics over time.

I do. She's been fantastic. Just wish she had the ablity to bestow on me the tools to wipe my father's mind so that his mind set would change. Wishful thinking.

I need a magic wand.

Oh and if you'd like to remove the links, you can edit your post on a desktop computer or tablet by clicking 'edit' on the top right hand corner of your post. 

Thanks!

Hope that helps for now 🌻

It does 🙂