A huge day here and I can't sleep, though I am physically exhausted. So I'm up again after tossing and turning for a while. I'm hoping getting it all out on the page might help me settle.
Woke from an awful dream this morning in which I was berating my mother and telling her, repeatedly, that I hated her. I was actually speaking the words for real as I woke (talking in my sleep is something I do). Felt so dreadful, as I love my mother very dearly. I don't think I've ever told her I hate her in real life, though I may have in frustration as a child and not remembered it. I have felt a lot of anger towards her over the course of my life though, for various reasons. I have expressed this in sometimes verbally abusive ways in the past. Actually, as I write this, I remember that she is the only person I have ever had a physical fight with in my life (when I was 16). I won't go into that, but I thought all these angry feelings were mostly behind me now.
The dream horrified and depressed me so much, I could barely talk to C this morning, or even meet his eyes. During this time I checked my email and found that one of my videos has been selected for another specialist festival overseas. I barely took in the news, didn't care about it, so immersed was I in the aftermath of the dream.
I kept telling myself it was just a dream, unconvinced by those words even as I was repeating them in my mind. I wondered how I was ever going to get myself in the shower and make it to the big outing with friends that was planned for today.
Nonetheless I did get myself in there, still dream affected, and desperately tried a technique my psychologist has taught me, imagining the water washing away heaviness and worry. More than these mental efforts to move myself out of my dark mood, the actual, physical process of showering started to improve things.
C and I then walked to a cafe near here where we met with our friends, a couple we see only once or twice a year, as we live at a distance from each other. Whenever we get together it's like we only saw each other yesterday. The chat flows rapidly between us, as we are all creatives and share similar perspectives on life. Before we knew it lunch was over and we had been in the cafe, talking spiritedly over good food and drinks, for over two hours.
At this point I was way overstimulated by so much conversation, so went outside for a smoke and some quiet solo time while they continued chatting inside and organised payment of the bill.
Then we all caught a bus to a nearby suburb, where there was a sculpture festival on the beach. We bussed it because we knew it would be impossible to get a car park there. More walking to get from the bus stop to the start of the sculpture exhibition. Then much more walking along a long promenade where some of the sculptures were placed. It was crowded, as the exhibition is a major community event here. It was about 25 degrees and the sub-tropical sun was beating down. I was becoming overheated, though wearing appropriate clothes.
At the end of the long promenade, we entered the section of the exhibition where the sculptures were placed in the sand of the beach itself. At this point it involved walking on soft sand back up the beach in the return direction from where we came. I struggled through the soft sand for a little while, but my ever-troubled legs and feet started to get very painful. At that point I decided I needed to head for the shoreline so I could get my bare feet in the water, where it would be easier to walk, and also cool down, which I desperately needed to do by this time.
What a relief! My body responded to the cool lapping waves on my feet, and dropped its central thermostat to a bearable level again. It was also a relief because there weren't so many people down there, as the sculptures could only be seen from a distance from that position. I walked apart from C and our friends. A reprieve from the high stimulation of friends' company, and the crowds. I walked as slow as a snail, as my feet were still a problem, though much better than earlier.
On my way, I stopped and watched a crab for a while, and noticed a lot of crimson-coloured, fluffy little things in the water, of a kind I had never seen before. They looked like some kind of jellyfish or stinger and I took care not to touch them with my legs, while enjoying how pretty they were. Not longer after, a pelican flew over, which gave me a smile. Though I had been enjoying the sculptures as well, I couldn't help but think that nature was the best artist of all.
From where I walked, I could see C in the distance up there, toughing it out on the soft sand, taking stills and video of all the sculptures with his new camera. He too had split from our friends by this point, off in his own world. It was nice to get that distant perspective on him, so different to how we see each other usually, almost always at close quarters in this small flat every day.
At the end of the long stretch of beach, I headed back up to the starting point of the promenade again. Though we'd gone off on our own trajectories to view the exhibition, amazingly we all arrived at the designated meeting point at the same time. Then more walking and talking back to the bus stop to return home.
We left them at a corner with a cheek kiss all round. We made our usual plans to visit each other more often, which we often fail to do. At the least we agreed we would meet again for the same event next year, which we have now done with them three years in a row. I yelled out to them that I loved them as they were crossing the road to their car.
What a relief it was to finally get home! We'd walked about 3km, which is a lot for me. My body was very warm from all the sun, and I changed immediately into a skimpy sundress and thongs to cool it down. Then I collapsed in my armchair like a stunned mullet for quite some time.
Checking my computer I found a flurry of further emails about video stuff, asking me to provide written and visual materials and the like. Too much for me today, and I immediately relegated that to tomorrow. Big Bang Theory came on TV and I watched that for a couple of hours. I was so tired, I was convinced I would fall asleep quickly when I went to bed about 9.30pm. But the minute I hit the pillow, I was tossing and turning, my mind flooded with everything that had happened in the day, as well as what I had to do in the way of writing tomorrow, and what I might want to discuss when seeing my psychologist, which is also tomorrow.
So here I am now, coming to the end of this epic tale. Has it cleared my mind? I'm not sure. But I'm going to press post anyway.
I will have to practice not flirting 😛
