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dolphin
Casual Contributor

Just recently worked out my ex has bipolar

Hi I am looking for some support as i feel i have just worked out what happened to me ex husband.

This is my story. We were married for 16 years and got along so well. Spent all our spare time together with our 3 beautiful kids and never fought. My husband woke up one morning and he was a completly different person. That was almost 5 years ago. He was angry at me as he believed i did not love him anymore (which was so far from the truth), he was angry at the kids for no reason. Refused to speak to us and seemed to become panic stricken and unable to be near me.

That night he left and has never returned. He did not seem to care that he had no where to live, no possessions, a wife who was shocked and in tears and children who were crying and begging him to come home. He reunited with some old friends who had not seen him for 15 years and made new friends and just wanted to party and go away for the weekends with them. He spent little time with the kids and the time they did spend with him they reported to me that their dad was angry, behaving really weird and doing strange things, driving dangerously with them in the car and a complete stranger to them.

At that time they were aged 15, 11 and 7. i had experienced the same behaviour myself when i had seen him and the abuse got too much for me and the children and we saw less and less of him. He did not care much at all about this and  seemed obsessed with his new friends and had no sympathy for his family ( even when one of our children had surgery that required a long recovery).

I tried on so many occasions to tell him something was wrong and that he needed to see a doctor. i offered to come with him and support him if he wanted however this just led to so much abuse that i become extremly scared of him and stated to suffer anxiety.

I watched from afar as he seemed to be coming out of this after about 9 months thats when his dad and only living relative that was close to him died and then it all began again. I was living a nightmare and myself and one of my kids had to stay away from him for our own sanity. The other two kids would usually see him for 2 hours a week and report that he was not the dad they knew growing up. He was holding down his manager job and this always confused me as i could not understand how he seemed to be holding that part of his life together while everything else was turned upside down.

After years of not seeing him i contacted him and we became friends. He was not the person i knew for 16 years however the anger and damaging words/behaviour were not there so i was able to chat with him and spend some time when he came to get the kids who were rebuilding their relationship with him.

He would never speak about what happened and i was still scared of him so i did not ask although i did try to get him to do a family therapy course to talk about our issues with the kids however he was not interested and by that stage i had convinced myself that he had had a breakdown and was happy with where he was in life.

Just recently his job was under threat and it was looking likely that he might lose his job and the place he manages would possibly close down. He was stressed and then i saw the same behaviour that i had seen before return.

His anger was not directed towards me until i asked him to please go to therapy with the children (as i knew he would not go alone and by that stage the kids had also started to be effected again by his behaviour and were backing away from him again).

I have read up and educated myself on mental illness over the past few weeks and i am so sure that he is suffering from bipolar. At the moment i believe he is hypomanic and i know this is the worst time to try to tell him what i suspect from experience.

What is a good time to talk to him about it? Does anyone have any experience in helping someone understand what is happening to them and getting them to seek help? How do i help him? Do you know of any places i could go to speak to someone experienced in bipolar in Melbourne?

 

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Just recently worked out my ex has bipolar

Hey Dolphin, this is a really tricky road you are navigating as your journey is so entwined with your ex. I think its great you have been able to reconnect with him on cordial terms but you are correct..it is never a good idea to try and tell someone what their diagnosis is.
Maybe you could let him know gently that you and your children are noticing his behaviour is changing and he seems quite stressed.
And let him know there are groups in the community that help people in stress filled times.
I think though it is vital you take care of yourself and your children. He may not be ready to talk about his mental health with you, very tricky to explore if his view is that he is not unwell, and never has been. @Impala I think has had a similar challenge with her mum.

Re: Just recently worked out my ex has bipolar

Thanks for your advice Alessandra. I read Impala's post and it does sound similar. I guess it might be best to wait until he is more willing to accept that something is not right. Does this usually happen? It seems such a shame to leave him that way but i am unsure of what else to do. 

Re: Just recently worked out my ex has bipolar

It is really tricky being a carer and it is wonderful that you are trying to be supportive. It often takes time for people to want to change, and that often occurs when we hit rock bottom. But not always. So as a copy nsumer and as a carer, my thoughts may be contradictory at times. Just be kind to yourself, be open with your ex and choose your words and time to chat wisely.
Sometimes we need to be gently led to change, and sometimes we need a challenge to open our minds to where we are at.
Never an easy task, and as your children are now a bit older, it may be easier to come from them. That they are concerned for Dad and how can they support him?

Re: Just recently worked out my ex has bipolar

Hi @dolphin  and @Alessandra1992 

It's such a frustrating place to be - you can clearly see that he needs help, but he's not at the same stage as you.

I like the way you phrased it Sandy "Sometimes we need to be gently led to change, and sometimes we need a challenge to open our minds to where we are at."

It seems like a tricky balance.

At the moment there seems to be a lot of carers in this community who are in similar situation; the person they care for aren't open yet to seeking help - Dolphin, you may want to check out some other discussions taking place, in particular in "Something's not right"

This forum is always here as ongoing support for you - so please keep dropping in.

 

Re: Just recently worked out my ex has bipolar

Hi @dolphin 

 

I'm curious to now how it's all going?

 

That sudden change 5 years ago must have been devastating - so unpredictable and life changing.

Regardless of whether your ex does seek help or not, would you consider linking in with a counsellor for yourself and your children anyways? Perhaps you've already done this?

 

Eagle

 

Re: Just recently worked out my ex has bipolar

Hey @Eagle - thanks for following up with @dolphin . It's really great to see people in these forums that obviously care about each other.

@dolphin , I hope things are OK? Let us know how you are doing sometime!!

Hobbit

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. To update...

Thank you everyone for your support and advice.

To update you, i have managed to get him to go to family therapy with the kids. I explained to him the kids need and want therapy with him to assist with their healing and to bond with him. He was a little unsure at first and kept checking with the kids that they did want this and they kept telling him that they did, so he booked them and himself in to see a therapist together. My kids really need this but I am also hoping it will help him too.

So far they have had one session and although the kids came back drained and convinced that their dad did not have any love for them in his heart, I have told them that i know that is not true as he loved them all more than anything before he left and that it must be the illness that made him act that way.

I also explained to them that it was good for the therapist to see their dad this way as it will hopefully give her insight into what is happening and if the mood shifts during the weeks/months that they have therapy i am hoping that she picks up on it and will be able to help. 

So at the moment my main focus is on the kids and getting them through this difficult time and praying that something good can come out of this family therapy for all of them.

Also by chance or maybe by fate I looked up the lady that they are all seeing for the therapy and her main focus is working with children who have a parent with a mental illness.

Re: Thank you everyone for your support and advice. To update...

@dolphin, isn't that funny how that works? I've had a similar experience myself.

That being said, sounds like you are in the right place, and that there is 'movement at the station'.

Thanks for keeping us posted, (pardon the pun) Smiley Happy

 

Re: Just recently worked out my ex has bipolar

Hi @dolphin ,

I noticed you were hoping to speak to someone who specializes in bi polar...

the mental health foundation provides amongst other things a support group for those and their families/friends affected by mood disorders. You can find more information here;

http://www.mentalhealthvic.org.au/

also, Mind provide support groups out of Hawthorn, see more here;

http://www.mindaustralia.org.au/need-help/mind-services-in-victoria/mind-victoria/family-and-carer-s...

I know you have since found a family therapist, but was thinking for yourselfSmiley Happy

Lastly, but not exhaustive the Australian Psychological association allows you to search by area of speciality/interest, and area. See here;

https://www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsychologist/

 

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