Lived Experience Forum

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Zoe7  and @BlueBay 

I looked at my weather app Zoe and you  have fine and slightly warmer weather than Melbourne for the next couple of days - we have rain and more rain - and I really get irritable when people try and cheer themselves saying that we need it - eacccchhhhh - of course we do - people need it in Gippsland and NSW and QLD but having the weather turn so cold doesn't cheer me up one bit

You are right though - I do cope with my loss in my way and it's getting easier as the years pass - I have worked out though that year was trauma from May through to October and sorting out the bitzpiecez was a lot of good therapy for me - as well as my son being in Juvey I had a car accident, two operations and my parents behaviour was atrocious - no wonder I was traumatized and it left its mark - just writing this and reading back is helpful.

I know my parents had a lot of regrets - Dad did talk to me about it but my mother died with a lot of regret - and I guess this is her problem - was her problem - not mine and I hope I have let it go for good - I think I have - it added to the confusion I felt about everything about that year

I am so glad I found this forum - it took me a long time to open up here but I have and I think I am better for sharing - and I feel for other people more I think - I hope so

Dec

[Zoe7]

Been here for 2 and a half years myself @Owlunar and have certainly seen you open up more in the last year. It is great that you feel that comfortability with us to do that and a great outlet for you as well.

I don't mind if it rains here for a few days - we certainly don't need it as other parts of Australia do but it is always welcomed. I don't mind the rain - there is something nice about hearing it fall - just not a fan of the colder weather. 

The school I am at now is close to home but quite high up in the hills so it will be much colder there in Winter - have warm jackets that will come in very handy - especially for duty.

You seem to have come to terms more over the years with family regrets and that is a good thing. We can't change the past - as much as we would like to - it becomes a matter of learning how to deal with it all and trying to move forward irrespective of what we have been through.

[Owlunar]

Thanks everyone @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @BlueBay 

I certainly feel a lot better than when I woke up this morning - I managed to sleep longer and the back pain is certainly less and my soup is nearly done - and yes - sharing has helped

Something inside me holds back from sharing but I am learning to overcome it. I think I was brought up in a very WASPy family - the upper-lips were so stiff and people did not show their feelings - okay - that was okay for previous generations but we have grown up and learned to prosper in totally different circumtances and although my parents and grandparents acted appropriately for their time it wasn't right for us - I was born during WW2 and that has left its mark on me too - and my poor mother couldn't cope with a family under those circumstances

Yes - I have put a lot behind me - it's still there though and does explain a lot

I think it's time for me to rest my spine though - I will look in from time to time - I need a shower and I need to take a break

My wonderful new glasses with all the bells and whistles - I bent the frames rolling on them in bed up at Lakes Entrances - I searched for an optometrist up there but he had moved to the other end of town and I still haven't been able to get them fixed - so I need to do that before I stay in front of a screen for too long - but I will be around

Thanks all my good friends

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @BlueBay @utopia @Razzle@outlander

It's cold and bleak here again today and I guess I have a dose of Seasonal Affective Disorder - SAD - I am pretty sure other people do as well when the weather changes so suddenly - 

Yesterday I spent a lot of time clearning the DVR and I had made soup and I still have to sort out stuff from my holiday - having my back aching so much made it hard to get a lot of things done - I did wash my suitcase full of dirty clothes and my domestic help lady on Friday ironed them but there is other stuff - 

My back seems a lot better - I still feel I need to rest it though - and my toe is better - but there is another issue happening and I am not happy to mention it but I think I will

My grand-daughter is in her twenties and a sensible girl - she is moving to the Sunshine Coast and she has gone there with her father to find somewhere to live - taking two cars. She plans to stay with my brother while she is looking for accommodation.

My brother is not a nice man. When my daughter first told me my gd would stay with my brother I told her - "I will say this once - my brother is not a nice man - now I have said it I won't say it again" 

What else could I say - what my brother tried to do when we were teenagers was not at all nice but I never told my parents - I had told them about things when we were younger but he always got into so much trouble I stopped telling "tales" and I am not going to open the past about all of that now to someone who was not even born then - 

Yes - I can see the dilemma people must experience - my gd is a sensible young woman and I hope she doesn't run into any trouble. My brother drinks excessively and uses foul language unnecessarily but everyone knows that. Not even my parents knew what else he tried to do and I honestly had not thought about it for years - I doubt I would be believed if I opened my mouth about it now and maybe he as learned a thing or more - well hopefully

I just reflect that my gd is sensible and has been in serious relationships before this - my sister-in-law lives there too and things have certainly changed in 60 years

But still - I feel unsettled about all of this. Maybe they all know my brother better than I do now - I hope so - 

Families have dark secrets but does it help to bring them into the light of day? - I have never spoken about what could have happened so long ago - and it didn't happen.

It actually never happened - it could have - I was strong enough to stop my brother - I just pray my gd is strong enough too - or that my brother never starts anything like that

Aw - my brother and I were close - I only have a vague idea of what happened to him - he was not a favoured child in our family by any means and born between to high achieving sisters - 

Sorry for the rant - I just need to let it go I think

Dec

[Zoe7]

@Owlunar Hoping over time your brother has developed into a much better man and your gd will be safe with him. If she is anything like you then she will be a strong. capable young woman and one who can stand up for herself. Hopefully she finds somewhere to live quickly and some of your concerns can be addressed by her having her own place and out from under your brother's roof.

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Zoe7 

I have been reflecting on what I wrote - I tried to tell my daughter about how my mother treated me when repressed memories rose during my mother's funeral - I was traumatized at the time but my daughter wasn't interested in listening - she didn't want to know - I guess she has a right to that but now

No way am I going to mention my brother's attempts at incest - if he was approached about this he would deny it of course and what could be gained - he has probably forgotten anyway - and yes

My grand-daughter is a lot like me - and she had education in schools that I never did - she knows the ways of the world and I can only hope she finds somewhere to live quickly and I never have to think about the past again

I told my daughter what she probably already knows - my brother is not a nice man - I wonder what happened to my brother - why he drinks so heavily - but having said what I said once and only once is up to other people to interpret - 

We can wish things were otherwise - that doesn't change anything - telling the truth about mirky past issues confuses the present - I just hope my brother has improved somehow - I actually feel very sorry for him

And I will hope for the best and hope my grand-daughter can get a place quickly

You know about Pandora's Box I am sure - when it was opened all that was left was Hope - and I reflect that Hope must have been inside the Box all the time - and I can have that Hope

Dec

[BlueBay]

I can only imagine how worried you must be for your granddaughter @Owlunar 

I just hope over time your brother may have changed a little. It’s good that your granddaughter is intelligent. She sounds like she will be ok. But it’s good thst you spoke to her. 

Yeah the weather isn’t helping me either. 

Yeah you’re right some families do have dark secrets. Mine is still dark and not sure if it will ever be revealed. 

My brother was a terrible child growing up always in trouble. Always on the run from bar people as an adult. And prob still is. But do you know what @Owlunar  thsts his life and he can live with whatever comes his way. 

[Zoe7]

I definitely know about Pandora's Box @Owlunar But I like your example of Hope coming out of it too. I think sometimes Hope is all we have but that is something in itself.

As we have talked about before - we cannot change the past but we can choose how we move forward and live in the present. Dwelling on what we cannot change does not serve anyone well - it keeps us stuck in a never ending cycle of despair and pain and that is no way to live. We can recognise why we see the world as we do but also fight to improve our place in that world. It is not easy but possible.

[Owlunar]

You're right @BlueBay 

It's your brother's life and he can live it as he chooses. And my brother too - he has always been an unpleasant person - I really don't want anything to do with him and thinking about it - what he tried to do as a teenager was a long time ago and although I never spoke to my grand-daughter about him - I warned my daughter and it was her choice what she said to her daughter - I did all I could and I have to let that go - I do not want to live with that shadow - as @Zoe7  has said.

I have lived without thinking about it for all these years - I guess there are things we never really forget if we put them from our mind. I think there are things we never mention too - I never told my parents - I remember thinking about that but chose not to and all these years had nothing to do with my brother and saw him at my parents' funerals and didn't like him - that was disappointing too - but he can be horrible if he chooses too - I have said enough and glad I have shared here where it's safe - and will do my best to be available if needed - otherwise - let time pass

Dec

[Owlunar]

You are right @Zoe7 

We can only support our way of life and sometimes the less said the better - I warned my daughter as much as I chose to - I already know how prickly she can get - and I think that was enough and I am taking my hands off and not going to think about it further

We can always have Hope - I think Hope is a sticky concept - and there are all kinds of hope - there is good hope and false hope and no hope - people can choose their kind of hope and I choose to think my grand-daughter is a sensible person and I choose also to think my brother is over his adolescent behaviour by now - after all it was a long time ago - 

I had not thought about that for so long - I cannot remember ever dwelling on it - strange how clearly it came back to my memory when I realised my gd was actually going to stay with him - but - hands off - I said what I said and really glad now I said exactly what I did say and no more

I will let the cards fall where they do and be helpful and useful if necessary - and get on with my own life.

Today is my wedding anniversary - I made a mistake but I stopped beating myself up about that one a long time ago

Dec

Thanks for your wisdom Zoe - you say so many valuable things