Hi @Former-Member and
@utopiaThank you for your messages. I put the phone away as I just couldn't put my sadness into words. So I just pulled the cover over me and waited to fall asleep.
I am still sad. It is a sadness I remember from when I was a kid and perhaps it is the kid in me that still doesn't understand the world. When I watched Animal Farm and Watership Down, I couldn't understand how the world could be so cruel. I remember crying and crying in my Dad's arms because I just couldn't understand. As a young teenager I watched Apocalypse Now and cried like that again. Then in real life civil war hit one part of my family and many lost their lives and all were displaced. I learnt to toughen up. I was living in a fairy tale compared to them. I was still alive. Being alive is all that matters. Nothing is worse than dying. I learnt to push everything down and function. I lost more immediate family members and kept pushing down and started running and disconnecting from people so I wouldn't get hurt.
I still don't understand the world. I get upset that there is no adequate system out there to help people with MI, not just the lucky ones, but all. I don't understand that people who are unwell have to search for services instead of being held by the hand and shown where to go.
Then my head wanders and I remember how lucky we all are to live here, protected, sheltered, not enduring starvation or war. And then I get sad because the world is such an unhappy place.
And now I will have to remember that it wasn't my choice where I was born. And I have to remember what I've learnt to break the downward spiral. And I have learnt that taking meds or using harmful strategies is not the only option and that being sad, even if it is deep deep deep within and hurts so much, is ok, it's ok to hide under my blanket and be sad at times. I don't have to be tough all the times.
Sometimes I wonder if I am working so hard on being more compassionate to myself and being vulnerable, and then in the end I will just harden up again as I cannot cope with the world. I said from the beginning of therapy - what happens if I don't like what I see and who I am once I let go off the iron fist that protects my heart?
They say during deep depression your thinking revolves about yourself, what if I lift my gaze too much (and I don't have to lift it a lot) and cannot live with what I see? I feel it now, that deep sadness, tearless, I can feel the fear and vulnerability. In my head I have lifted my gaze too high. My head is pounding and my body hurts. It's time to finish this post.
Dear @Former-Member and
@CherryBomb - please do not tag me in posts. I try to help when I am strong enough, but those days are far and few between. Thank you for understanding.
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