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When your loved ones refuse help

So here is my story.

I introduced myself a few days ago and wanted to participate in Tuesday's discussion.

I have been hoping against hope that my inlaws would accept some help at home, especially as they are elderly have clearly defined rules about what they do as far as gender based tasks around the home. My father in law doesn't know how to do anything in the kitchen, my mother in law is struggling with crippling arthritis in her hands and feet. A few days ago something suddenly changed and she dropped a tray of soup, fell out of bed while trying to rise to go to the toilet at night, and was generally confused. She refused to see a doctor or go to hospital, and this morning my daughter (who is a nurse) met me at their house and we found her in bed unable to get up so we called an ambulance and she was taken to hospital. I stayed with FIL all day cooked him some meals and took him to see his wife, but I came home to sleep as he refuses to have any heating on; I am racked with guilt but also exhausted. There must always be a crisis musn't there if they don't want help??


See how tomorrow pans out. Glad I had somewhere to type this. Back to bed now.



Re: When your loved ones refuse help

how are you today @Beautifulday xxx

how is your FIL and MIL today


Re: When your loved ones refuse help

@Shaz51 I’ve spent the day with fil again he’s better than I thought he’d be. We visited mil and he got very tired. She has to stay a few days. Family planned with hospital social worker for next week to try and get some in home services again. 


Father in law doesn’t want me stay but he’s askeep on the couch and looks so frail. I wish he would stay with us but he’s refuses. 


Thanks for your support. 



Re: When your loved ones refuse help

sending you a knowing hug as my mum is very independant  @Beautifulday she is 87 and my MIL is 84 and she has had 2 eye operations , they both want to stay in their own homes

yes my mum loves staying at her home so I do everything I can , than I go home as my husband has bipolar 2

remember you are not alone , we are hre for you xxx

and remember to care for you so you can care fo others xxxx

Re: When your loved ones refuse help

Thankyou @Shaz51


My Dad was very independent too - my mum had schizophrenia and passed away when I was young. I felt guilty about his death - he died alone - for years. 


I am trying to be mindful of self care - esp. my own mental state as I could so easily just fall apart. 

Re: When your loved ones refuse help

Sounds like an incredibly difficult experience @Beautifulday How are things going for you? Is there anything in particular that you found helpful in talking things through during last months Topic Tuesday?


As @Shaz51, you're definitely not alone in managing this experience and it can absolulutely take it's toll at times too. I wonder how other members of the community have coped with this experience?


There's some great info on self care here too and you can jump in and add what works for you. Take care @Beautifulday 🐼

Re: When your loved ones refuse help

Hello @Beautifulday, how are you today xx

Re: When your loved ones refuse help

Thanks @Shaz51@Margot I am doing ok. My father in law went to hospital on the night I was there and spent a couple days there. Family meeting at hospital resulted in things going backwards a bit, but at least they recognised something is going on with FIL. A geriatrician has booked in to see him at home but FIL can still refuse. His dementia symptoms now include him accusing me of stealing his clothes and money etc. 


Several posters mentioned on the Topic Tueday discussion, that people with mental illness don't recognise it and refuse help. My mum was the same too. That is what is helpful I think - reading that and recognising that you are doing all you can. 



Re: When your loved ones refuse help

Welcome to the forums @Beautifulday

I am in that boat ..... hubby with mi issues, but unable to recognise that he is unwell, and he is supported by family members who are enabling the illnesses involved, also unable to accept that he is unwell.

It’s a really sucky situation to try to navigate, that’s for sure .....

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