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Thank you so much for reaching back to me - especially when you’re struggling yourself 
Although I’ve never had the opportunity to meet you or talk with you in person, I get the strong sense that you’re a wonderful caring soul who has a very generous and kind heart
Your sentence definitely encapsulates your thoughts and feelings - thank you so much 
and I’m so pleased that I’ve been able to provide some comfort and support for you as well
Thank you so much for your beautiful compliments! When I read them, I could feel the shine in my little star (that’s often very faded and even more so lately) starting to glow and twinkle
I’m so sorry that it has taken me so long to reach back to you 
Although I’m very out of touch with what’s been happening for you, please know that I have been thinking about you and sending you my love from afar
Take care,
ShiningStar
Hi @Sam3
My absolute pleasure and I’m only too happy to share my journey with you
Thank you so much for sharing a part of your story with me - I feel very honoured to be invited into this part of your world
My heart goes out to you and I can absolutely relate to so much of what you have described especially feeling different, scared and alone, terrified about what my future looks like, trying to hold onto any sense of hope that change is even possible, the endless comparisons between myself and others in terms of where they are in their lives and the deep seated belief and (secret fear that I rarely share with others) that I’m essentially ‘flawed’ and that I will never be good enough.
I have lived with these beliefs and feelings for as long as I can remember and as such, they have become my ‘normal’ - not to mention my constant (extremely unwelcome and unhelpful) companions in life! I often feel very overwhelmed by the power and influence that they wield and how skilled they are at exerting such a large amount of influence in every part of my life!
I tried to write an overview about schema therapy off the top of my head, but it proved a little more difficult than I first thought and so I decided to source some information from the internet I’ve drawn the content from three different sources, as the information seemed to touch on some of the key issues that you shared with me
I didn’t want to overwhelm you by including the entire articles and so I’ve just copied and pasted a few sections from each one, in the hope that this gives you a small taste of some of the elements that are inherent to this particular approach
I’ve highlighted each article in italics and I’ve included the links underneath each section, just in case you would like to explore the articles further - I hope that it’s not too confusing for you to follow
Schema therapy offers a comprehensive approach to addressing longstanding psychological difficulties. Early maladaptive schemas(EMSs) are longstanding patterns of psychological response that govern how we perceive the world, how we understand what is happening to us, what we feel and how we behave. They often have their origins in infancy and early childhood or before we are born (for example, if a traumatic event happened to our mother while she was pregnant).
Maladaptive schemas are responses to unmet needs. As infants and children, humans are vulnerable and helpless, and in order to develop in a psychologically healthy way, certain basic needs must be met. When basic needs are unmet, normal, healthy psychological development is impacted and gives rise to EMSs that can continue to cause problems throughout life if they are not addressed.
There are 18 EMSs Schemas, however they are not all equally active all the time. A complex set of processes determines which ones are active, and how we deal with them once they are active. These processes, themselves, are mostly automatic and outside of conscious control, so that often we may have very limited awareness of how they affect us. As a result, we are often puzzled by our own reactions, which may take the form of gradual or sudden shifts in mood or feeling, or behaviour or repeated behaviour which is self-defeating or self-destructive. An analysis of schema processes helps us understand what underlies these experiences.
https://www.schematherapysouthafrica.co.za/
Schemas are in a way coping mechanisms - they exist because our basic emotional needs were not met as children so we create these schemas to help ourselves get by.
In fact each schema represents an unmet need. An abandonment schema, for example, could be seen as the unmet need of feeling safe and cared for.
Understanding schemas or ‘life traps’ means that you cannot only understand your own patterns of being and perceiving but can develop anunderstanding and compassion for those around you act as well.
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/
When our schemas are activated, intense states are triggered. These states can include feelings, sensations, thoughts, actions, and sometimes even memories. In Schema Therapy these states are called modes. A mode is a temporary mindset that includes both your present emotional state and how you’re dealing with it.
In other words, your mode is a combination of active schemas and coping styles. Modes can be helpful (adaptive) or unhelpful (maladaptive).
Schema modes are divided into four categories:
- Child modes are characterized by childlike feelings and behaviours.
- Dysfunctional coping modes are used to prevent emotional distress but end up reinforcing the schema.
- Dysfunctional parent modes are internalizations of critical, demanding, or harsh parental voices.
- Healthy adult mode represents your healthy, functional self. This mode can help regulate the other modes by setting limits and countering the effects of other modes.
In schema therapy, some of the goals include:
- identifying and beginning to heal schemas
- identifying and addressing coping styles that get in the way of emotional needs
- changing patterns of feelings and behaviours that result from schemas
- learning how to get your core emotional needs met in healthy, adaptive ways
- learning how to cope (in a healthy way) with frustration and distress when certain needs can’t be met
Ultimately, all of this will help you develop a strong, healthy adult mode. A well-developed healthy adult mode can help heal and regulate other modes and help keep you from being overwhelmed by their effects.
https://www.healthline.com/health/schema-therapy-2#goals
During my earlier experiences of therapy, I often presented with behaviours that are consistent with one of the schema therapy child modes known as the angry child. Sadly, some of the Therapists that I saw responded to me in anger and frustration and they criticised my behaviour which left me feeling deeply ashamed, distressed and confused, as I never intended to behave like an angry child. Something just seemed to wash over me and it felt very much out of my control. I can still remember walking out of my appointments feeling hopeless and completely useless that I had failed (again) and that I couldn’t even ‘get it right’ in therapy
Some years later, I found a Therapist who provides schema therapy and although at first I was sceptical, I quickly noticed how differently she worked with me. It really was a stark contrast to some of my earlier experiences!
Instead of (for example) being criticised for my behaviour, I was supported to understand what was happening for me on a much deeper level which I found invaluable. So now when my angry child mode presents itself (which it often does!) my Therapist welcomes this part of me by gently acknowledging that she can see ‘little angry ShiningStar’ (she uses my real name but I’ve had to use my forum name to ensure that I adhere to the community guidelines 
) She then works with me to understand and address the issues that have driven the underlying schema and triggered this particular mode. As such, I’m beginning to understand myself on a deeper level and I’m slowly learning how to meet my core emotional needs in a safe and healthy way
I’ve been participating in schema therapy for four years now and although I still have some way to go in working through my issues, for the first time in such a long time I feel a small glimmer of hope that perhaps one day, I’ll be able to participate in my life in the way that’s important and meaningful to me
I was so very sad to read that you feel ‘pathetic.’ It can be so difficult to challenge the way that we see and feel about ourselves when the messages that we have received throughout our lives compel us to believe something so very different
Sitting with such intense and powerful feelings can be such a lonely and deeply painful and distressing place to be As such, I just wanted to ever so gently suggest that living with depression and anxiety (and any other mental health issue) is no small feat and in my experience, surviving a day takes an enormous amount of courage, perseverance and inner strength
Wow! Finding the strength and energy to bake three items for your friends Birthday and contribute towards the care of your family and children are wonderful achievements - well done!
Please know that I’m here and I’m listening. If I’ve missed the mark with what I’ve shared with you, or if there is something else that you need or you feel would be more helpful for you, please let me know You’re more than welcome to continue to reach out to me and I’ll do my very best to support you
I do hope that this helps you a little.
Take care,
ShiningStar
It’s lovely to hear from you too
Thank you so much for your understanding about my need to take some time out This was such a difficult decision for me, as my heart genuinely wants to continue to reach out, but my mind often struggles to keep pace and I find myself collapsing emotionally.
Experiencing such unexpected and sudden changes in our emotions can be extremely scary, distressing and confusing I can clearly remember the times in my life when I hardly recognised the person that stood in front of me and I felt as though I was a stranger to myself.
I often wonder if some of the situations that we find ourselves in trigger us and before we even realise what’s happening, painful memories and experiences from our past resurface. As such, our buttons (that are still raw and tender from unhealed wounds) are pushed and without even realising it or meaning to, we find ourselves moving between various emotional states and responding in ways that are perhaps out of character for us
Thank you so much for your encouragement that I will be able to find my way and shine again - that means a lot to me
Absolutely - stars are so beautiful! I often stand at my window and look up at the sky in complete awe of their sparkling splendour and I take a moment to make a wish (or two!) Some years ago now, I watched a movie called ‘Aloha.’ One of the scenes showed a man looking up towards the night sky which was completely covered with stars. As he did he said, ‘the sky has a lot to say tonight.’ I thought that was such a beautiful way of describing the visual feast above him and I’ve remembered this one line ever since!
I’m so sad and sorry to hear that you’re working so hard to stay alive I will definitely read through your new thread so that I can get a sense of what’s happening for you
Please don’t worry about the time that it may take you to reach back to me. I can only imagine the struggles that you’re trying to work through and survive at this time
Please know that whenever you feel ready to reach back is completely fine - I’ll be here waiting. There’s absolutely no pressure or expectation - please just take care of yourself as best as you can
Thinking of you too
Take care,
ShiningStar
