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Senior Contributor

Death

I just heard that my uncle passed away. He was literally the only nice & normal one in the family & I didn't even know he was sick. 

I geuss I won't be able to go to his funeral because of my agoraphobia - & cptsd , anxiety & depression -giving the horrible members of my family more ammunition to talk shit about me amounts themselves. 

I also don't want to go even if I could for fear of running into abusive family members- 

not that I would be able to if I wanted to - but what am I supposed to say as an excuse- they don't understand or have any care or compassion. 

This is is bringing up a lot of traumatic memories of when my mum passed away & how I was being actively abused by narcissitic family members trying to destroy me. 

My dad has not bothered to call me-& I don't know if I should contact him- it's just going to trigger me & lead me into a serious downward spiral. 

I don't know what is the point of this life it just goes from bad to worse one thing after another- there is never any good or happiness events that take place

 

11 REPLIES 11

Re: Death

Hi @Jojo7 
It can be so painful when someone that we care for passes away, and feelings can be particularly complicated when conenctions with family are strained. Please take good care of yourself there. I am also going to send you an email in a moment. 

Dec
Senior Contributor

Re: Death

I hear you @Jojo7 

 

You need to care for youself first of all - and now your uncle has died - depending on your beliefs - he knows how you care and going to his funeral for social reasons will be hard for you - and not even your father let you know

 

Families - I could tell a tale but not right now - it's your story

 

You have enough MI issues - it's up to you whether you go and you asked what sort of excuse you can give about not going - ah - that's a tough one

 

Tell them you're not well atm - and that's true - you are not - and they might ask what's wrong with you and I suggest you just tell him you are sending your respects and leave it at that

 

But from what you say about them I don't think they will ask - but have your sentence ready just in case

 

Btw - there are no special words to console people when they are bereaved - it would be great if there were - you have just had a significant loss and this will be difficult for you esp with a toxic family

 

Sending best thoughts

 

Dec 

Senior Contributor

Re: Death

Thankyou @Dec well I wasn't given the opportunity to even attend the funeral- my father did not call me to tell me my uncle passed away & he did not call me to tell me when the funeral was on- I am really upset about this- I just can't understand it - but it is basically the same shit I have had to deal with my entire life- I am non- existant in my family's eyes. I feel sick because of the exclusion- even though I would never have been able to go- that is not the point- I am a part of this family & deserve to be given the opportunity to be included in my uncles funeral-
The rest of the extended family I have lost contact with over the years- so I can't& don't blame them for not contacting me as we did not have each other's details-
My cousin told me on Instagram- because I can't even get into my old Facebook account- but something is wrong with my Instagram & I was not getting any notifications- so I didn't get her messages until a week later for some reason- not just hers others as well- so she told me about the funeral through there but I didn't receive the message on time. So I didn't know about it.
I am so upset with my "father" I just don't know what the hell his problem is & why he cannot treat me with respect or like a valued member of the family-
I literally feel sick-
But you can bet he was at the funeral trying to get sympathy from everyone around him about how I never see him or speak to him!! Relationships go both ways- honestly- I don't think my dad will have much longer to go to be completely honest- but how he has just treated me & made me feel insignificant like nothing yet again - I don't think I will bother contacting him again, every time I do I get triggered & retraimatised & spiral into depression- it's just not worth it.
I really don't understand how a father cannot pick up the phone & call his daughter when my uncle has passed away?! It is unfathomable & I feel physically sick. I hate him so much
Senior Contributor

Re: Death

Thankyou @Eucalypt
Dec
Senior Contributor

Re: Death

Hi @Jojo7 

 

That's a very shoddy way for your family to treat and I have a good idea what it feels like. Yes - it would make you feel sick having people treat you that way - as if you're not important, insignifcant as you say. like you don't count. It's really cruel to be treated like that

 

I was without my family during the worst years of my life and since my parents died my siblings have carried on with their discrimination. I am sure we are better off without toxic relationships but it is very hard

 

You are certainly entitled to feel the way you do - you are worth more than that - you deserve better - that's for sure

 

It's not a good idea to have anything to do with your father - I agree - you do not need to be victimize and traumatized further and you don't need to be depressed again

 

All the best Jojo - I have not idea why families sometimes act the way they do - 

 

Dec

Re: Death

@Jojo7 I have sometimes not been to a funeral, and other times been to too many funerals.  

 

I hear you about your father and family.

 

The important thing is to find a way for you to process your grief of your uncle moving forward.  It can be in framing a favourite photo for the wall, or lighting a candle or writing a poem or drawing a picture.

 

It is best if we can wor through it in community but if that is not happening,  do something that completely suite your own personality and your feelings.

 

Sorry life gets this way.  Hope some good moments come soon.

Heart

Senior Contributor

Re: Death

@Dec Thankyou soooo much for your response- I will try & respond soon-( as I haven't felt up to it) but I really do appreciate your response so much- it was very helpful & much appreciated 💖💖💖
Senior Contributor

Re: Death

@Appleblossom Thankyou so much for your response && I'm sorry I haven't replied yet as I haven't felt up to it- but I very much appreciated it & it was very helpful too thanks 💖💖💖

Re: Death

@Jojo7 I'm sorry to hear about your lovely uncle... I get along with mine also, but he lives overseas unfortunately. I do know exactly how you feel. I'd deliberately not attend family events, just like you. However, the question you should ask yourself is that would you feel any regrets if you didn't pay your last respect? or was it the case that you hardly saw him? And, your biological father, is he a narcisist too? Coould you perhaps reach out to him?

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