Lived Experience Forum

[Pushka]

I am in crisis. I want to find ways to feel better, but I feel so hopeless. Everything I find online says to present at hospital, or it’s advice for people caring for someone in crisis. I need practical suggestions for how to spiral up and out. 

im bed bound right now. My husband contacted the acute mental health care team at the hospital who have set an appointment for next week. My regular psychologist is out of town until next week, too. I don’t think I need to go to hospital, I’m not making plans to harm myself. I’m plagued with thoughts of what a crap parent I am and how I am damaging my children with my actions or inactions. My husband doesn’t really know how to cope with this either. 

I don’t want to keep spiraling. One website suggested that having something to look forward to can help. That’s the only suggestion I’ve found FOR the person in crisis. but I can’t think of anything I can look forward to, and if I could, I can bring myself to organise anything. 

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Pushka 

Thanks for reaching out... Can I get some more information from you? What qualifies as a crap parent? What are you doing that puts you into that category?

What qualifies you as a good parent? What are you doing that qualifies you as a good parent? 

Why are you in bed? Is it a safe place for you? What other qualities is your bed providing that is making you want to stay in it?

[tyme]

Hi there @Pushka ,

Firstly, a very warm welcome to you on the forums. We are so glad you have reached out as we recognise this is not an easy thing to do. In fact, it takes a lot of courage to share that things are just not okay.

From your post I can see you have much insight into your situation. You don’t feel you need emergency services, yet you are plagued with the guilt of not fulfilling your job as a parent.

We want you to know you are not alone. By connecting with others on the forums, do you think you will feel less alone in your situation? Perhaps hearing the stories and experiences of others will also encourage you to try new strategies?

Many others have been in a similar space including myself. When I hit rock bottom, things began to change.

We are sitting with you.

[Jynx]

@Pushka sometimes I find it helpful to reflect on which kinds of thoughts are taking me further down the spiral. It's usually a whole stream of various thoughts, some more painful than others. But the path down the spiral is taken one step at a time, one crappy thought at a time. So the path back up and out usually needs to be similar - I have sometimes overwhelmed myself in the past by trying to find one big thing to pull me out. But what tends to work for me is looking for the little things, little glimmers of hope and awe, like trying to give space to the voice that says positive stuff, finds gratitude, or reasons with the nastier thoughts. 

I found this, about glimmers, maybe it can help you too 💜

[Pushka]

I’m a crap parent right because I can’t care for my kids, AND I am sort of a danger to them. My cognitive faculties are so poor right now that I accidentally locked my toddler inside the car, which was parked in the sun in 38 degree heat. He had the key and locked it, and yeah it can and does happen to anyone, but I remember thinking SO hard to make a plan to get him safely in the car without having him sit in the hot sun whilst I unloaded groceries…not once did it occur to me to just carry him whilst I turned the car and the AC on! He was ok, but someone had to smash the window. Then yesterday when I was sleeping, two of my kids decided to walk to the park without telling anyone. They got tired and came back halfway, but anything could have happened to them and nobody would have known where they even were. I didn’t know they’d left the house until they told me hours later. I homeschool my kids but right now I can’t get up and make their breakfast, let alone do any activities or go to homeschool meets or classes. But I’m also not capable of putting them back in school.  

im also doing a lot of research into my own CPTSD and learning that having a parent with chronic illness and the subsequent neglect that can occur can be a cause of CPTSD, so there’s a chance that ME being unwell is going to exacerbate my children’s own health issues. I have one autistic child and two with ADHD,both of whom have some bad anxiety. Usually I’m a good parent because I support them in their struggles and right now I can’t. I can barely even stand to have them in the room with me because the noise, fighting and demands just sets me off. 

im staying in bed because it seems the safest place. In combination with my inability to really get UP and do anything. I left the house the other night when my kids were all playing up, and when I was trying to decide which direction to drive, I considered driving up the mountain and taking corners really fast, but decided against it because I might ONLY be badly injured…so yeah staying inside in bed seems like the safest place.

[Jynx]

@Pushka sounds like you've got a LOT on your plate, caring for your kids full-time. Give yourself some credit for how intense it all is - it's not surprising that things are really overwhelming, and you're definitely not the first parent to go through the debacle of a kid in a hot car! 

Have you looked into some support or respite options? Caring for three neurodiverse kids is a lot! It would also be so much harder for you to focus on your own recovery at the moment, do you have mental health supports in place? 

[Pushka]

I have a good psych whom I’ve been seeing for a long time. She is out of town until next week. My husband contacted the acute mental health number for the hospital and they’ve booked an appointment for next week. 

[AussieRecharger]

@Pushka 
How are you feeling now?

[Pushka]

I ended up in hospital for 5 weeks. 1 week in the public hospital and then 4 weeks in a private facility. I had TMS therapy, and attended CBT and DBT classes. I was doing a lot better. 

but I’ve been home now for 6 days and really struggling to integrate back in to home life. I’m trying to practice the skills, strategies and techniques I learned in hospital but I just don’t care about anything. I’m so fatigued, and I have no motivation to do anything. 

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @Pushka 

I am so sorry to hear that it's been a really difficult time for you

I can hear that a lot was going on

It's good to know that you got some support and were feeling better

I think it's understandable that it's taking time to settle back into your home life

It's commendable that you're practicing the skills and strategies

Be gentle with yourself - it can take up to a few weeks to feel fully settled after being away for 5 weeks