Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PandaBear75]

My partner has PTSD.  A retired Police officer.  We've been together 3 years.  We have an 8 year old twins and an 11 year old  daughter.  They love him a lot, and so do I.  I'm 48.

He's been very aggressive in the last 6 months. Angry outbursts at the kids for not doing their chores.  Things to me are little, but to him they're HUGE. 

In the last 3 weeks, he's started smashing things in temper tantrums.  Their Barbie house, because it wasn't tidy.  Their hairbrush, because it was left on the kitchen table.  My vitamins, because I didn't put them in the cupboard and left them on the bench.

Yesterday, he left the house and moved to our caravan.  Said he "needed space".

I feel angry with him.  Hurt.  He's hurting the kids and I, yet he has the 'privilege' of moving out to the caravan because he "cant cope with our lack of respect"....they were his words.  

I want to support him, but I'm angry.  I'm scared to speak up, in case it infuriates him more.

He's one session down with a counsellor, another session online tonight at 7.30pm.  I don't know what to say....I hate him, but I also love him.  

I'm so confused.   My kids are feeling it.....and I'm human too.  Where is my support?  Where is my escape to the caravan?  Where is my release?  I'm so lost and feel so alone.

Is his behaviour normal for PTSD sufferers? What can I do to feel better myself?  I'm so lost.

[Jynx]

Hey @PandaBear75 that sounds so tough, I'm really sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. I think you have every right to be angry, it would be such a stressful and confusing time for you and the kids. 

First off, have you ever worried about your or your children's safety whilst living with him? If ever you are, please call 000 immediately. I imagine he may be resistant to that if he used to be a police officer, but your safety and the safety of your kids is paramount. 

Has anything changed in the last 6 months that may be contributing to his change of behaviour? 

Yes, sometimes rage is a symptom of PTSD. It could be that something has shifted for him, or he is experiencing an increase in symptoms, and has become agitated and reactive. However, this is not an excuse for him to take it out on you. 

If you would like to talk it through with trained professionals, you could try giving 1800respect a call. You deserve support in this too. 

If you'd like to understand his experiences a bit better (or if he is interested himself), I'd highly recommend the book, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It's an older title now, but the author has worked extensively with folks who have experienced severe trauma, and I believe he was even part of the team who developed the PTSD diagnosis criteria in the first place. In the book, the author does talk about how symptoms present and why - including the reasons why rage, avoidance, and reactivity, are present for those with PTSD. 

[Takeabreak]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Supporting someone with PTSD is a very isolating experience. I also completely agree with the first response you recieved. 

10 years ago I was you (although children came into the picture later). 

I committed my life to supporting my exservice members PTSD. Years of PTSD courses, books, individual counselling for both of us, couples counselling, inpatient stays and eventually assaults, police reports and now court processes. All whilst studying, then working, then parenting. 

I promised myself I would keep trying as long as my partner was, until it hit the point he physically assaulted me and a family member so terribly I had to face reality. I had been excusing and enabling his unsafe behaviour from the day he was diagnosed. 

I recently submitted a post I put on a forum 8 years ago as evidence in court that is almost identical to yours. 

I do not want to scare you and in no way imply that violence is what is to come. But if I could grab myself back then and say you don't deserve to be treated poorly because of someone else's PTSD, I would. I enabled his behaviour by believing his PTSD was the reason. The best thing we can do for the people we love is to say, I love you, but I respect myself too much to allow you to treat me or our children like this. It isn't safe, it isn't excusable and they aren't going to improve if you don't draw a line. His mental health is his responsibility. And yours is yours.  Your children deserve to see their mother model the behaviour they should accept in the future. 

Maybe my husband would have improved if I drew this line immediately and never let my boundaries on what I would accept slide. Instead I excused, covered up and believed it was support. People told me to leave, I felt awful because he was trying. I should have let him try on his own then reconnect. 

I really hope you find the strength to put you and your children first. In the end it truly will be the best thing for him, your relationship and the children. 

[PandaBear75]

Thank you for responding...both of your feedback is tough to read, as it's really confronting. It feels like my relationship is entering a terminal phase....for me, anyway. I really don't think her realises how much his condition and behaviour is affecting my wellbeing, and the kids.

I would never hesitate in calling 000 if I thought my, or the kids safety was at risk. Definitely. Even though he was a police officer, I would still call. 100%

He has not received any support from the Police, nor any mental health counselling in over 8 years. He 'thought' he was OK and coping - he thought he was well. Clearly that self-diagnosis has taken a nose dive.

I want to give him an opportunity to work with his new counsellor....tonight was session 2, which I'm yet to hear about. It feels like such early days......and too soon for me to act so drastically (like leave), when his treatment has only just begun. I certainly don't want to enable his unacceptable behaviour, but I don't want to shut him down either, before he's really had a chance to get help. What will be the point in him getting help, if the kids and I weren't part of his motivation?

I feel like I'm grieving...but he's still around - 'on his terms'....which is really what I'm struggling with the most. He thinks he's protecting the kids and I, by leaving the house and not getting stressed or physically violent towards us (the next phase?) and hanging out in the caravan.  But in actual fact I feel like he's being selfish and self-centred. he's blaming his stress on the kids being disrespectful and "belligerent"....that's a pretty big label for kids that are only 8 and 11 years old!  Police officer talk, I guess.  I just shake my head.

I'm really confused and emotional right now.....but chatting to you both is certainly re-enforcing my thought patterns, action plan, and priorities - which is my children first and foremost.

[tyme]

Hey @PandaBear75 ,

I'm glad you were able to connect with people on the forums.  I hear how hard it is right now, yet at the same time, it's good to know you are not alone in this journey.

It can feel lonely and isolating, but there have been others who have gone before. It IS possible.

I encourage you to continue connect with people so this journey seems more bearable.

[Owlunar]

Hi @PandaBear75 

I understand your position - I grew up in a police family and know the officers are exposed to things we would not like to know about, I totally get that.

However - it is not right for a person to be violent and abusive - other people have made good suggestions here - and I agree - your children must come first. And this is hard - I know.

My ex hit me once and I hit him back and told him to get out - I had been preparing financially for this and one of our children had died and the other had left home - so it was different and certainly easier. Still - it was hard. I have never regretted it though. And he wasn't a policeman - I really have little idea of what made him tick - it was a very lonely and silent marriage - so I do identify with you even though the circumstances are very different.

No one deserves violence and abuse - especially children.

I am glad you found us and shared your story and wish you the best. I hope you continue contributing.

All the best

Owlunar