Hey @Hank25
Firstly, thank you so much for reaching out here! Managing DID within a relationship or marriage, and with children in the picture, would be quite challenging for the family. While I do not have experience being in a relationship with someone who experiences DID, I have previously been a carer for my sibling who has DID, so perhaps from my own experience, you may find some helpful morsels of information/advice to help you navigate your own situation.
Perhaps the biggest thing to focus on, especially while in a relationship, is establishing and building on safety, clear roles and respectful communication with the whole system.
In terms of communication, having a "system notebook"/app is a great way for alters to leave notes (if they are able to write) for the host, for other alters and the partner. Having a "who is here?" check-in is also important, partner can check in, and the alter fronting can use different methods of communicating (e.g. colour code, writing name down, hand gesture) to signal to partner who is fronting at that moment. Education is also another important aspect, so whether it is yourself or your partner that experiences DID, informing oneself of DID and particularly how it looks for you or your partner is key. It's also vital to recognise that each alter needs to be interacted with differently and respectfully based on their age/role (it would be dangerous to let a child alter to drive or make financial decisions).
Clear boundaries and having safety plans in place is very important. Creating a "System Roles" table which defines which alters are responsible for what (e.g. who can drive/pick up kids from school), can be helpful in managing day-to-day life. Having a danger alters protocol in place for when alters who may engage in unsafe behaviours do front, means that the partner can follow the protocol in a crisis to keep everyone safe, e.g. "if alter X fronts, we immediately call therapist/friend/other support or use a specific distraction technique (I know for my sister we played her favourite music to ground her and would place her hands in a bowl of icecubes to bring her back)."
For children, it can be challenging having a parent experience DID, especially when they don't have a full or loose concept of what is happening. So, it is crucial to use simple, age-appropriate language when explaining DID and how it impacts you or your partner with DID. Identifying a safe adult alter is also important for children. Being able to identify one or two "parent" alters who are stable, responsible and most often interact with the children, means that if the kids are ever confused or scared, they can ask, "Can I talk to (parent alter's name)?" - this gives them a sense of stability.
Most importantly, having professional and community support in place is so important. I highly recommend finding a therapist/counsellor/psychologist who specialises in DID who can support you, your partner and family navigate this. Coming here is a great way to seek support, so I'm really proud of you for doing that. From my understanding, there is a dedicated page on DID here on SANE that has a lot of information and resource recommendations. Please know that you are not alone!
I hope some of this is helpful to you.
