My special place

[Snowie]

@Jynx I think it is really just to tick some boxes just in case someone does something after they've left. To not be held responsible. Especially when I don't know the nurse, when they are just rushing around to the 4-5 people to get us discharged so they can go home soon.

I saw my psych today and mentioned a few things but didn't go into detail of what I am thinking. My fault. The guilt I have towards myself prevents me from even being open with someone I trust, but I guess thats a whole other topic.

Just numb myself.

@Eve7 Missing you lots too hon. Very much care about you. But you are doing the right thing, you are putting yourself first. Thats exactly what you should be doing.

[Jynx]

@Snowie from what I've observed over the last few years, you're quite attuned to your... er, for lack of a better word, 'crisis point'. As in, the point at which you know you need to seek intervention for your own safety. So I do trust that you will know when it is really necessary to disclose asap to whoever is closest, vs. discussing it perhaps a bit more abstractly in a safe space (like a simple statement to psych that you've noticed an increase in frequency and intensity of SI, for example). I can imagine it may not feel quite so clear for you, lawd knows I struggle to know how close I am to crisis at times, and I've learned to sorta, err on the side of caution - call a support line sooner than what my brain says for instance. In any case, I believe in you hun. You got this 💪😎😊💜

[Snowie]

I know my 'crisis point' can come on quickly @Jynx I know last time I wasn't attune to it. It was hubby that noticed how much of a downward spiral I had gone into. Some of the time I know it is coming, yet other times it can catch me by surprise.

I do know that the behaviour I have been doing lately has been risky. That the control I have is slipping, that the thought of 'I don't care anymore' has increased. I can recognise that. I guess I need to realise at what point do I let my supports know. At what stage does my behaviour/thoughts become a serious problem.

I know I won't speak up tomorrow, even if they do ask. It is probably a good thing that I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. I know that he needs to know.

I guess it goes back to the saying 'if they don't know how can they help you'

Thank you for believing in me. It is hard for me to believe in myself at times.

On a side note. I think sometimes my supports don't take me seriously. I can feel okish yet still have SH and SI thoughts. When it becomes a norm, do they say to themselves, yes she is having them again but it's not serious, she always has them. At what stage do they start being concerned compared to them just brushing them of.

Hmmm my brain is on overdrive. Maybe I'm reading into something that isn't there.

Would like to keep discussing this but might have to be for next time. Have ECT in the morning so an early start to the day. 

Thanks to all for your support.

[Jynx]

Yeah totally we can come back to the topic @Snowie always happy to hash things out. And glad to hear you got your psych appt Thursday to be able to talk it out, get more of a sense of where you're at, next steps and such.

I shared this with @Bow little while ago and she said it was super helpful in terms of being able to communicate how close to crisis we are, maybe it could help you too? 

Hope ECT goes smoothly tomorrow. Nighty night hun 💜

[NatureLover]

Hi @Snowie , how was your ECT today? 

I went back to the doctor and got my 3rd different antibiotic today. They don't know what it is other than "an atypical bacteria". I did the Covid and the triple tests - all negative. 

I hope your psychiatrist appt goes well tomorrow 🤞

[Snowie]

Thanks for that photo @Jynx 

It does help, especially knowing where I am sitting at the moment.

@NatureLover ECT went ok, same as always.

Hopefully it is third time lucky and these meds work for you. I guess at least it got you out of the house.

How has the rest of your day been?

[NatureLover]

Do you think the ECT is helping, @Snowie ?

Yes, it was nice to get out of the house today. My day's been OK thanks - the sunshine makes a difference, although it's been cold. 

How are your thoughts today? 

[Snowie]

I'm don't think it's helping @NatureLover in making me feel better. But I guess it's helping in keeping me out of hospital. It is called maintenance ECT. So not making my MH 'better' but then not making it worse. My pdoc tells me it is to keep me stable.

My thoughts are not great today, but manageable. 

Besides the Doctor, been up to much today?

[NatureLover]

Ah, I see @Snowie . Thanks for explaining about the ECT. 

I'm guessing having your thoughts manageable is better than unmanageable. 🫂

Just rest, laundry, a short walk and reading today. 

[Snowie]

I've never done maintenance ECT like this before @NatureLover 

I normally get admitted into hospital and have ECT 3 times a week for about 4-5 weeks. 

I have had it as an outpatient once per week before but that's too hard on everyone. The hospital is over an hour away, peak hour traffic, organise someone to take S to school, H having time off work. At least when it is only once per month, it is easier on everyone.

I often wonder when do my thoughts become the norm. I really do think people just say, 'she has them a lot, nothing to worry about, they are normal for her'. 

Glad you got a few things done and at least got out of the house today. It must have been a nice change.