18-07-2019 08:37 PM
I’ve had a pretty terrible last couple of weeks. My husband and I had an argument a couple of weeks ago about something that has affected our (to put it bluntly) sex life - something that is a direct connection to my past CSA. I’m still rattled about it.
This argument happened while I was under a huge amount of stress when my mum was in hospital. Moving forward to now and I have now moved in with my mum now she’s out of hossie as she needs round the clock care. I have managed to convince her Dr to drop one of her medications that was giving her hallucinations and now she is essentially going through withdrawals for the last 2 days and refuses to eat or drink - which is a problem in itself as she is diabetic. Tonight I threatened to put her back in hospital so she did eventually eat 1/2 a sandwich.
Today my husband and I had a couples counseling session - and the session was spent talking about that argument. I had to relive the events of the CSA and describe the feelings that it still brought up in me now. I was crying and shaking - I can still see it all like it happened just yesterday, not 40+years ago.
I used to disassociate a lot when I was a child, and through today’s session I’ve learned that I do it a lot as an adult but in a different way.
Tonight I’m feeling very triggered, I feel very shaky inside, I feel like I can’t breathe deeply, I just want to cry but
most of all I feel extremely frightened. I have a particular vision in my head that I just can’t get out. I had to describe that moment from long ago today and now it won’t leave me alone.
Has anyone had any experiences like this, how did you cope with it? I don’t want to sleep tonight, I’m scared of closing my eyes and only seeing this vision.
18-07-2019 08:47 PM
Have that issue a lot @Razzle and it does make it hard to function at all let alone sleep. Particularly triggering sessions can take time to deal with so you are not alone in feeling how you do. I do not have a lot of advice on how to deal with it all - there have been many times I have turned to people here to help me get through these times so I am here to help you as much as I can tonight - you are not alone Hon.
18-07-2019 09:00 PM
Thanks @Zoe7 I’ve given myself a headache from clenching my jaw, if I don’t clench my teeth will chatter.
I get this vision on and off, and I used to be able to push it out of my head, but today it is there all the time. The vision isn’t even of the worst thing that happened to me - but it is of something that has always left me feeling very frightened. It was terrifying at the time and even now it feels the same.
18-07-2019 09:09 PM
Those things that frighten us so much are very real in the moment @Razzle and even harder when they are re-occuring or present for longer than usual. I can see that the session today has brought this to the fore and you are finding it very hard to get it out of your mind tonight. I have Toby that I cuddle when this type of thing happens for me but that never gets rid of the thought or memory completely - it does sometimes help with the physical sensations. Do you have any strategies you have used previously that can lessen those feelings just a little?
18-07-2019 09:14 PM
im sorry you’re going through so much at the moment.
Yes this happens to me especially when triggered I end up dissociating.
Can you make a nice warm drink and listen to some relaxing music.
I wish I could help you more
hugs and hugs ❤️❤️
18-07-2019 09:16 PM
@Zoe7 I don’t really have any strategies right now. I’m not in my own environment, I am at my mums house looking after her, she’s unwell.
Its not a great fix, but I usually turn to alcohol, but I can’t do that while I’m caring for mum.
To be honest, I haven’t had a session that has left me in this state like I am tonight. I don’t know what to do
18-07-2019 09:22 PM
Thanks @BlueBay I don’t think I could keep a drink down. I had something to eat about an hour ago and I’m not sure it’s going to stay down, I have been sipping water to try and help the headache.
I just want to cry. I can feel and hear the blood racing in my ears my heart is pounding so hard. I close my eyes and all I can see is the vision, and it just makes me feel even worse.
18-07-2019 09:26 PM
I have had many of those sessions @Razzle and to be honest with you I found it really hard to get through those nights. Fortunately I had people here that helped me get through and most of that was just those people listening (reading) and being here for me. Controlling my breathing so my heart rate would decrease also helped. If we can physically overcome some of those feelings then the memories are slightly easier to deal with. Talking here ...a kind of de-brief (within guidelines of course) after difficult sessions also helped. Sometimes a shower can help or a warm drink as @BlueBay mentioned.
I do know it isn't that easy - memories that elicit that kind of fear make it nearly impossible to function or do anything that will help. ...but we are here with you and will help you work your way through this tonight
18-07-2019 09:38 PM
@Hamsolo01 I am tired, but I’m too scared to sleep, I don’t want to close my eyes.
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