am I the problem?

[Evantika]

Hey Saners (is that our name?)

First post. Dont really know if I'll keep this up but it feels necessary to share somewhere. TW:

Content/trigger warning

Backstory: my best friend of 16 years (and housemate at the time) was murdered after we were stalked for 8 months by her ex. 

Its coming up the 1 year mark since it happened and i havent felt right since...naturally. it feels like at the immediate aftermath, people acknowledged the kind of absence that one can only even begin to relate to (as all grief is different) if they too have lost their anchors in life. Now it feels like nobody cares anymore, or wants to be around me. I dont think its because im sad, cause I am, but that kind of 1 year later sad where i get happy, then feel bad hours after (which is a part of grief thats not talked about enough imo). 

I was at work today and doing my thing, and i realised that it feels better being at work because i feel needed and appreciated (a fine and not easy to come by thing in this day and age). I just asked my friends if they wanted to hang out tonight and they said they were all busy...but thats the thing: they're always busy when i ask to hang out. 

I get that people have busy lives, but when its been four weeks and ive only seen my girlfriend (who was also stalked and is grieving as well), it really makes you feel vulnerable. What my real issue is, is that I genuinely dont know if this is my BPD, grief and lonliness, or the absence of pot that I used to grieve with for 7 months after rhe initial death. 

I was in therapy for nearly 10 years, so Im emotionally smart enough to realise that there are stages in grief similiar to this, and it might be a combination of BPD, grief over my best friend, cptsd and withdrawals (but like I said, it was weed and I quit 5 months ago, yay me! Tyrns out its really bad when using it to cope with grief and not just natural pain remedies). But i never felt so alone. Even with my girlfriend who is amazing and supportive and the love of my life. 

Ive found myself withdrawing more and more this past week because I just cant wrap my head around whats going on. 

I guess the biggest thing I'm looking for is support from people who grieve because of the murder of a best friend (ultra specific, i know). But also just people who get it, and who I dont know and who dont know me. External validation from people who get it. 

Idk, i really dont know but this seems like a good place to start

[holdinghope5]

Welcome to the forums and Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of strength to come and share.

We can see you've been doing a lot of thinking at the moment. We look forward to hearing the community's thoughs and insights. @Evantika 

[Appleblossom]

@Evantika I believe it is important Not to internalise other people’s behaviour, but do one’s due diligence. You are doing the work and reflecting. Perhaps find other ways of thinking about it than asking “am I the problem?”. Yes, personal responsibility is important, but you are doing your best.

What you have experienced is significant and sudden violent death is one of the worst kinds of grief to deal with. I have not experienced a murder, but I have had a lot of grief. In general, people are awkward and unsure how to deal with it. Maybe in this day and age they think it’s alright to outsource it to professionals. That is their lack, which unfortunately we have to deal with. 

Find ways to honour your friend and her passing, journal, or keep some objects that symbolise your relationship. It can help to externalise it somehow, so it’s not always swimming around in your head. Eg. I see a photo of a loved one, send greetings, and it helps to let go the feelings. All the variety of feelings surrounding them.

First year anniversary is huge. We all grieve differently, but mark it in a way that matters to you. Your grief, and your own feelings will be intermixed, they are the psychosocial realities. Try and separate them a bit. I can only imagine how it might have impacted you personally and your capacity to trust and make new connections. Fear of violence and fear of loss, would be difficult to work through. 

I am sending some pictures, as I have found contemplating art and being in nature helpful.

take care

apple

Slow streamsFaster streamsKeep seeing beauty

Natural cycles, processes and movements may help….

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Appleblossom . The way you framed 'natural processes' really got me thinking and it was a bit of a Ah-ha moment for me! I've got a lot to consider! So thank you! 

Hi there @Evantika , hope you are doing okay today.