I'm confused over a 'casual' dating experience that i've recently had.

[Kace]

Hey everyone. New poster here. I guess i'm looking for some advice? 

Just quickly, I have diagnosed BPD which i've been working hard on over the past 2 years. I tend to catch feelings for those I am seeing quickly. I'm also 29 and f. 

I was recently 'casually' dating this guy (30-m) for roughly 3 months. We had discussed that we were exclusively dating one another but we did not make anything official. We had many similar interests, he would cook dinner for me when I was at his place, we would discuss adventures and things that we were interested in doing together in the future. I stayed at his house Sunday just gone, at which he bought me a beautiful gift of a candle, a necklace and another little trinket. We laughed, watched movies that night, were intimate (not our first time), joked and had fun together. We had then organised to see each other again on Wednesday evening. On Wednesday he sat me down and told me he wasn't feeling the 'spark' and that I deserve more, or better (I cannot remember the exact wording). He did agree that he wanted to remain friends though, and spoke so highly of me (again I cannot really remember, I was too busy trying to control my emotions). I'm at a loss. I'm so confused, upset, hurting. I really believed as though we may have been starting a romantic connection. I'm feeling incredibly broken. I want to reach out asking for answers or if he wants to try work on that 'spark', but I also want to give him his space too. We haven't spoken since Wednesday (Its now Friday). I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I did wrong. Does anyone have any advice on how I should approach this?  

[ArraDreaming]

Hi @Kace
Thanks for sharing your story mate. That’s tough as, essentially being led on. I can see why you were under the impression things were going as you hoped from what you described

This doesn’t necessarily mean YOU did anything, I know that may not the answer you are looking for but im reality and I have no idea for him specifically some people are just out to screw people around, or the other thing is they get a fright when they realise “oh this could be serious” and instead of owning up and being honest, they bail because being open is too hard, I hate to say but that is typical of our species sometimes (male here 29 also)
Which does not make it better for you, but I hope there is at least a litle part of you that isn’t beating yourself up because it’s highly likely it’s something he needs to work on, not you.

If you feel safe reaching out maybe you could have that convo? Just something like “hey so Wednesday was good, did something happen after?”

Only if you are comfortable, it may be helpful.

If he doesn’t respond, it probably says more about him than you, you have made an attempt to reach out, and if he doesn’t reply back, maybe his lack of committment and willing to move forward is a red flag anyway? I always say in conflict that (aside from obvious factors around safety and respecting peoples boundaries…) if you are willing to come to the party to make amends and they aren’t, maybe they aren’t worth investing your kind considerate energy into. I’m not saying they need to be on board, but the very minimum make an effort to be a part of a conversation, if they can’t do that then I know all I need to know. 

What do you think?

[Yep]

It seems quite contradictory he gives meaningful gifts then breaks it off. I would feel confused at such signals. If I were to take a guess, he's not ready to commit intellectually however, he is committing emotionally. This will make for a very confused time for both of you. He will be taking a step forward and a step back depending which part of himself is engaging i.e. mind or heart. There is a blockage in his lived experience that he must build trust around to move forward. The question now is are you his therapist or his girlfriend? I suggest the answer is neither. Then you need to ask how long will this take to resolve? He is saying you deserve more so I suspect he thinks its going to take some time to work it out in his head.

[PeppyPatti]

Yet.....

If you could ever be interested in an over 50th perspective I agree with @ArraDreaming 

It's not your doing. Have you ever, sounds weird ---

Imagine rolling his problems up in a ball that is in your hands and imagine giving them back to him ? 

It's a nice physical thing to do. 

Because it's nothing to do with you .....

I'm mindful that several years ago, I met someone, after a time, we got physical, I babysat his daughters, after 10 days of getting physical, he told me he was an alcoholic and dumped me....

No idea. 

[MJG017]

Hey @Kace, welcome to the forum.  I totally understand that you must be feeling upset and confused right now and obviously have every right to feel that way.  As a bit of a guy's perspective on what you wrote... my first thought was he's probably found someone else, want's to stay friends with you in case this other one doesn't work out.  He does seem a bit too old for that sort of extremely immature behavior but some guys just never seem to grow up.  Of course, maybe he had other reasons, maybe he was being completely honest about this 'spark' (even though he seemed to decide this very quickly and suddenly) but I think it really comes down to do you want to be with a guy who treats you like this?

As someone who has always had trouble letting people close to me, possibly he felt you both getting close and freaked out a bit and panicked.  So if you feel like reaching out, if only for some answers, then you should do it.  Maybe he'll feel like and idiot (he should) and apologize (he should).  Like I said, maybe he decided he just didn't feel 'the spark' and didn't want to continue the relationship which is fair enough if that is how he feels, but he should at least man up and show you the respect you deserve and give you a proper explanation rather that just what sounds like the old "it's not you, it me" line. 

So it's up to you if you want to try to reach out to him and for how long.  Two days, isn't a huge amount of time.  It's long enough to get back to you but who knows, maybe some emergency came up.  Even so how hard would it be to text you, just to let you know he is going to be busy or away for a while.

The most definite piece of advice, is that you did nothing wrong.  He certainly didn't seem to think so for most of the time.  Obviously it will take some time to get over the confusion and especially the hurt so take that time, do what you feel is right but just be prepared that you may need to move on if you don't hear back soon and resolve this satisfactorily.  The when you're ready find someone more mature and ready to commit and who will make you happy.  I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do.