How can I be more confident?

[Sevismo]

Confidence has always been an issue. Especially in relationships. I don't understand how people are able to be naturally confident when all I ever feel is inferior. I have spent my entire life trying to compensate for my perceived flaws.

I have been going to the gym regularly since I was a teenager (I am 29 now). I have always tried my best in and excelled academically. In terms of facial appearance, I might be above average (I don't know for sure because that is subjective). I take care of myself and try to look good. I have a few hobbies (guitar, cooking, gym) and I have been complimented on my personality and sense of humour.

I am well off financially as well. A while ago, a close friend co-founded a cryptocurrency company [edited by moderator], which I got involved in. After selling my shares in late 2021 before the company itself was sold, I walked away with a very large amount of money.

Regardless of how much I achieve, I can never take it to heart. I always see myself as on the same level or inferior to other guys. I feel guilty if I take myself too seriously. This is certainly true in relationships. I can't accept that my girlfriend finds me attractive due to my height (5'6, taller than her, but still short). Sure I could list all of my qualities, but for women, my lack of height probably ruins it all and takes me from a 10/10 to a 2/10. I act confident around her, but really, I am insecure as she likely finds tall guys with none of the qualities I have infinitely more attractive.

Regardless, I always see people who are able to pull confidence off so naturally and without any compensation. I think my lack of confidence may soon ruin my relationship and more aspects of my life. Does anyone have any advice on how I can fix my situation?

[AlwaysMyself]

Hey @Sevismo , welcome and well done for reaching out!

Self-confidence is something I reckon a lot of people struggle with. I know my husband does too. You are not alone in it. Sometimes people can also fake it outwardly so it can be harder to realise how common it is 😉 .

Im glad you can recognise a number of positive self-image areas of yourself. 🙂 

Other than your height, are there other "flaws" you perceive about yourself?

How do these positive and negative self-image aspects align with your values about what you think is most important in people? Do they correlate at all?

(E.g. do you value what you see as your "positives"? Or do you more value the areas you see as "flaws"?)

I notice you say that your partner finds other people more attractive than you. Have they said this, or is this your guess based on how you feel about yourself?

Do you feel able to ask her how she perceives you, why she has chosen to be with you, and whether or not she find other people more attractive?

I can only speak for myself on this, and I am a little different to most females I know, but in this way most over-20's females I know are the same:

Looks are not that important; personality shines through so much more. And how they interact and make you feel as a person is important. I've never considered height to be a positive or a negative factor. For me its emotional connect that makes a person 'attractive'.

[Sevismo]

Hi, thanks for the reply.
Other than height, I probably view my introversion as a flaw.
I don't actually know whether or not my partner finds others more attractive. I am fine if she finds others attractive, but not really significantly **more** attractive and especially on the basis of something like height.
I could ask her about how she feels about me but I don't want to sound insecure because that itself is unattractive.
I always try my best to be a good partner and to put a lot of effort into our relationship. It is unfortunate to put that much effort into someone while they might just be wishing I was taller. For me looks only matter a bit for initial attraction. After I get to know them and grow closer to them, their looks don't matter anymore at all. I just always hear about how important height is to women, which makes me feel insecure because I can never be tall.

[tyme]

Hey @Sevismo , you can tag a member by typing "@" in front of their name so they get a notification e.g. @AlwaysMyself .

@AlwaysMyself , the post above was for you, I believe 🙂

@Sevismo , I'm thinking that needed a 'tall' person may be a stereotype carried down the generations. To be honest, I'm female, and I DON'T look at height. So I wonder if how you feel is based on a handful of people as opposed to a larger population and hence it can pull down your self-esteem.

I really hope you find a way to work on appreciating your own strengths and talents and for those you are around to also do the same 🙂

Great hearing from you mate.

[AlwaysMyself]

Absolutely understand wanting to make sure that if you're investing a lot of time, effort and heart into a relationship that it is genuinely reciprocal @Sevismo , that's quite sensible! 🙂 

I can speak for other women, but the only comments I have ever heard women say about a male's height is if *some* (definitely not all!!) women prefer a man who is *at least* their height - but dont care if theyre one inch taller or one foot lol. 

I obviously dont know how your partner would perceive, but I wouldn't view my partner asking as "insecure" in a negative way. Id see it as "being open and vulnerable about their fears" and that's a really special thing to me for someone to be that open and trusting.  When insecurity leads to controlling behaviours or dependency issues, then I could see it as negative-- but nothing you've said indicates that at all to me. 🙂 

Do you have the type of relationship where the topic of longterm and serious commitment is discussed? If shes interested in a longterm serious relationship, then I reckon that could be a pretty strong indication that she has no qualms with your height. 😊

[Sevismo]

Hi @AlwaysMyself,
I definitely see what you mean. I have always valued the ability to be vulnerable with partners. I have also however heard a lot about how "confidence is attractive" so while I do discuss things, I have avoided discussing stuff that portrays me as insecure because I feared being unattractive. I am going to change that because you are right that it is important to discuss anything openly.

I wouldn't say I am controlling or anything because I think trying to control someone ruins your relationship with them.

Your reassurance that there exist plenty of women who don't care about height certainly makes me worry less and makes me more confident.

We do discuss our relationship goals, and are both planning to be long term partners. I just have a fear of being "settled" for I guess (i.e. where I am missing lots of attributes that are very attractive to the other person, yet they still stay with me because they can personally gain the most from me). I just have a very negative view of that dynamic and have heard many examples of that kind of relationship failing.

[AlwaysMyself]

I totally understand the "settled for" concept @Sevismo 🙂. Its a hard one, because it will always be in the other person's perspective, and their perspective can even change over time (for better or worse). 🤔 I took some time to think about this whilst getting ready and going to work, and here's my 2cents..

Reflecting, I know that I have realised during different relationships what I need or cant live with in partners, as well as what things are "optional". But it is experience and examining my core values that have evolved this over time.

Something I find helpful for building self-confidence in relationships is:

1. What values does your partner hold? What is most important to them, as a person? (This can be hard to know without asking, but sometimes you can get an idea from listening to what they say about other people or situations, etc)

2. What values are important to you? Do they align with your partners?

3. What do you percieve as your strengths, qualities, etc as a person and/or partner?

4. Are there any things you do not think you can/will give in a relationship? (What can you give in the future, but may need support/therapy and time to develop/grow to give?)  If there is something they *need* (essential value) that you *will not* (i.e. do not want to, not just a belief that you cant even if you work towards it (part of the difficulty with self-confidence, so I look at want not ability)) give - that could be a warning flag that something may not work out longterm.

[Sevismo]

Hi @AlwaysMyself, thank you for the thoughtful response. I apologise if I possibly might bothering you by replying a lot. I definitely enjoy these discussions though.

I think that luckily, my partner's values align with mine really well. Despite being quite introverted, I am understanding and I have pretty good interpersonal skills. I strive to be selfless and caring towards my partner and our relationship is one of my priorities. I have lived alone before for a few years, so I am pretty independent and organised. My girlfriend has described me as "interesting", "smart", "funny" and "sweet", so there's that as well. I can say for sure I am very loyal. In a more "superficial" sense, thanks to work I did in the past, I can provide lots of money as well.

Things I don't want to give up are just stuff that is unfair for me, stuff that disagrees with my general lifestyle, and I also want a "monogamous" relationship. I also don't want to be settled for I guess.

Overall I would say I make a good partner, but I just can't get over the height thing. When I was a teenager, girls used to commonly mention "tall" or "6ft+" when mentioning their preferred boyfriend, even if they were (sometimes very) short themselves. Anyone outside of this ideal is just settled for. I've also seen many videos of women talking about how they "only date 6'5 guys". I haven't personally talked to many women at all about this in real life, but from what I see posted by creators or some women I know on social media or from occasional situations where I overhear conversations, a guy's height seems paramount for women. This makes me very insecure knowing that I lack something that is extremely important in a relationship. I can never be enough no matter how good of a partner I am.

Other than height, I once got told a by a friend a while back about how I have a large head. Don't know how important that is though.

I do have mental illnesses. I was told I have severe anxiety and OCD, and "high level" autism when I was 17. Mental illness runs in my family. I had treatment years ago, and have since then been fine, but my ways of thinking are still quite unique. I still get obsessed about and anxious about certain problems. I don't know if height is just another one of these or if it is something more.

For me personally, not that my girlfriend is unattractive (quite the opposite), but I don't negatively judge her appearance at all. I think the least I can do as her boyfriend is celebrate her physical features the way they are. I wish she thought the same way of me, but I think this mindset might be uncommon, so I doubt.

Do you think I am just bound to be "settled for" due to my height and/or other unattractive features such as my head size I guess? It is just really hard to be confident when all I have ever heard from the girls is how unattractive I am for something I can't change.

[AlwaysMyself]

You are not a bother at all @Sevismo 😊. I am choosing to reply just as often! I think you sound like a really nice, well-rounded person who genuinely cares deeply about your partner and want to make sure that the relationship is as fulfilling for her as it is for you!

It could quite possibly be your anxiety contributing to your fears that not being tall might make you "unattractive" to your partner.

How great would it be if we could setup a poll here for all the people to vote on whether they care if their partner is tall or not? 😁 get a bigger group consensus lol. But I'd wager that when it comes to a real partner, their height is preeetttyyyy low down the list for most people. Teenage girls (or at least ones i knew when I was a teenage girl) can be so ridiculous when they talk about their "dream boyfriend", but i also dont think many of them ever expect to find someone who meets all their dreams lol - especially when some of the ideals they set are unrealistic too - maybe they want a fairytale Scandinavian prince?? 😅 

Jokes about fairytale princes aside though... how long have you been together for now? Has she ever said anything negative (or complained) about your height? That you can explicitly recall - not just a feeling.

If she did prefer a taller person, would wearing platform shoes do the same job? 😋 why not?

(The only time I know a woman to care is when they are over 6' themselves and they dont want to be a much taller one in wedding photos 😂, in which case platform shoes *would* solve the problem lol). I was actually really surprised to see in Japan a number of late-teen / young adult males wearing platform shoes. I had never seen males wear them - I associated them with a 90's girl fad. But in the context of what you say about social media and influencers, I am wondering if maybe there is a message of height being spread to young males in the same way that the "alpha" and "sigma" male image is being spread. For the record - I also do not find "alpha" or "sigma" males as an attractive quality, and I dont know females who do. Its sadly part of a toxic masculinity resurgence target at youth and young adults based not on any real truths.

My partner always says he has a large head. Or more specifically forehead - and it runs in his family. Yeah, its true, he does. But I never noticed it consciously before he mentioned it 🤣. But do I care? Not at all! It means he can more securely pull down a hat to fit on his head so it doesn't blow away, and still be able to see out from it - if anything count me jealous lol. 😊

This is to say, your own "differences" in appearance arent necessarily a problem to another person. 🙂 

I'm a female and i'm going bald - my partner doesnt seem to care. Other than he cares that I dont get sunburnt on my scalp 🤣. And no, im not anywhere near an age that would be expected to start female-balding.

We all have "imperfect" bodies. 😉

[Sevismo]

@AlwaysMyself You make a really good point about about my experiences when I was a teenager and also how everyone has "imperfect" bodies.

I have seen a lot of people talk about platform shoes, and even these "height boosting" inserts you can put inside your shoes. I am not really a fan though as I don't want a relationship where I cannot be true to myself and have to put forward a fake image to get by.

I think these social media influencers make a living by making people insecure. I just cannot prove this for sure though because they don't make it obvious.

I have actually been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years now. It's almost disappointing that I haven't sorted out my fixation on height yet. I have not asked my girlfriend what she thinks of my height because I always assumed it will likely be very negative so I went with the "what you don't know can't hurt you" approach. I don't show it, but It has always hindered my ability to be confident and secure in my relationship.

Do you think that there are women my age who genuinely don't factor in height when judging a man's attractiveness or even prefer someone my height?

I would love to believe there is, but I haven't really met anyone who publicly states this.