Sibling issues

[mishymash29]

I let my brother, his wife, and their baby move in temporarily because they had nowhere else to go. They agreed to help around the house and respect how I need things done, which is important due to my disabilities and reduced income.

Living together has been more stressful than I expected. Their relationship is very tense, there are frequent arguments, and my brother is always dismissive of feelings. This has had a noticeable impact on my mental health.

Recently, I was excluded from planned family time, which escalated things further. When I tried to explain how I felt, it led to more tension rather than resolution.

We’ve talked since, and he says they’ve been uncomfortable living here and that things would need to change. I suggested that if they’re unhappy, they might need to look for other arrangements, as I can’t change my expectations for my home. This upset him. He also indicated that my expectations of them were unreasonable. 

I’m torn between not wanting to leave them without options and needing to protect my own wellbeing. I worry that if they come back, the same issues will repeat. I also want to preserve the relationship and still be part of my nephew’s life, but I don’t think living together long-term is realistic.

It also hasn't helped that I had a fall recently and damaged my ankle. I will admit that I make regular comments about what needs to be done, but I was also told that if I needed something done to just ask and if it doesn't get done to remind them.

Am I overreacting, or is it reasonable to say that living together just isn’t working?

[MJG017]

Hi @mishymash29 welcome to the forum.

That sounds like a really difficult position to be in.  Helping them like you have when they didn't have any other option was a very generous thing to do for your brother and his wife.  As I've had to learn myself though, it is possible to care for people you love, but also recognise that a situation is harming our own wellbeing.  It's easy to feel like we're being cruel or selfish, but in reality we're just enforcing our boundaries... which isn't easy for a lot of us.  Saying something "isn't working" isn't the same as rejection... it's trying to make a situation more suitable for everyone involved.  We can't control how people respond, by we can control how we protect our own wellbeing. 

It sounds like you've been more than reasonable, and are just trying to make the situation workable for everyone.  It is your home and you deserve safety, respect, and stability there.  You've already noticed patterns of behaviour so I feel like it's another indicator that your boundaries and kindness aren't being fully respected.  Its completely understandable that you would want to preserve the relationship and still be a part of your nephew's life, but that doesn't mean living together is the right choice or the only option.  Being clear about non-negotiables and protecting your wellbeing doesn't mean you don't care.

To me, you've done so much and tried so hard, but it's effecting your mental health now and that isn't fair to you in any way.  Maybe putting a time limit on their stay... enough that they have time to find an alternative might help.  Framing any discussion on how you feel and what you need, rather than what you want him to do, reduces the sense of blame or judgement and places the burden back on him to choose whether he wants to accept how you feel or ignore it.  Hopefully your brother will be more reasonable and respectful of how you've helped them.