Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member and @Appleblossom. I'm so sorry I missed your last responses. For some reason I didn't check it until now. Thank you so much for your kind responses. Luckily things have calmed a little but my son is on holidays for now so things are calmer for her as she can spend all day with him. 

Just want to give you a heads up @Former-Member that for many of us on the forum we often rely on an email message that alerts us to your response to us. Every time someone mentions my name with an @ in front as in @Former-Member I receive an email with that post and I can then go back and read the post. For some of us that have posted on many discussions in the past it is very helpful for us to be alerted by email.

Back to my situation, the girl has a very close family although separated but they don't seem to support her or encourage her to get help but rather just accept this is the way she is. This week my therapist came and spoke with me, my two sons and her about how we can pull together. She also gave a brief outline of the things we are working on in therapy and I think it helped her to understand a bit more about me but maybe her too. We talked about teamwork mostly and how we can pull together as a family but also as a team of adults. It seemed to be helpful and they were all receptive thank goodness. 

When I'm feeling stronger I think I will talk to her about seeking more help. And yes @Former-Member you are very much right regarding boundaries. I am a very soft touch with this. I am starting to work it out a bit better and I hope that I can find some boundaries to help us all know where the lines are better. It has been a while since I've really parented and it is all starting to come back. I think that although it is not my job I will try to parent her on a few things that would help her in the future. I also understand how confusing it must be for her with my depression and situation too. 

@Shaz51 Thank you so much for catching @Sagher and helping them find a space for them to get help. @Sagher I hope you find someone who has experience with your issue. 

[Former-Member]

hello @Former-Member - thanks for the tip about using@ - had wondered why people were doing that laugh hate computers. Happy to hear that discussions are happening as a family for you all. Perhaps her parents don't know how to do this and might be part of why she has left home because her home was separated as well as her parents if that makes sense. Encouraging her to talk to her mum or dad once she sees how your family does it, might help improve her relationship with them resulting in less pressure on your family. Or it might just reaffirm that they are not interested. Some people don't know how to show concern and need a little shove in the right direction so to speak. One way to find out. You are so caring Teej, your last paragraph showing concern for someone else reaching out. Time for Teej to have some self concern too. xxxx

[Appleblossom]

Glad that you had a productive family session @Former-Member.  Team work as adults is about it in this world where adolescence last a bit longer than it used to ... transitions to self reliance.... Sometimes like that a stitch in time saves nine.

Fingers crossed for you all.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Former-Member

I have only just come across this thread while browsing tonight ... I hope you don't mind me joining in, cos I know you could have tagged me @Former-Member if you had wanted to .... I just want to let you know that this thread is running so close to my situation with S1 and DIL it's a bit gobsmacking ....

There has been so much going on with WH and the other kids who are under my roof, that I didn't want to branch into this one on the threads I have been contributing to elsewhere .... but I also didn't want any of you feeling that I am not compassionate towards my DIL and her mi .... I absolutely am .... but she has seriously, seriously hurt my son with a selfish personal choice that I believe falls outside her mi .... she comes across as incredibly selfish, and this action underscores it like nuthin' else ....

Her parents are actually stepping up for her .... but it is a mess and will take quite some time to structure .... and that's okay .... but as an empath (that's what you were describing @Former-Member) I have had to keep my compassion engaged but get my heart the h#ll out of there.

My method for that is the same one I have described and use for in-law invaders .... the polite mask fall-back .... it allows me to be compassionate in my actions and offers, but reserve my empathy, if that makes sense .... because I would be casting it where I could only get badly hurt without achieving anything good for DIL in the process.

The politeness mask is achieving as much as she is prepared to receive from me, as she is extremely jealous of S1's attentions and is very, very emotionally demanding of him.

I hope this helps @Former-Member .... that was my intention rather than simply venting ... connecting with you in this issue, with compassion and understanding, and endeavouring to share my coping facility with you.

😔❤️💕

[Former-Member]

I'm sorry I never intentionally didn't tag you @Faith-and-Hope. Usually I start threads without tagging anyone because it feels more open.

Its a complete mess at the moment. I can't go into it but it's a huge part of me not coping and why I need an out currently. It's ripping me up completely because it's spiking all my emotions I can't regulate well which turns to SH. I'm at fault for much of it and making her really unwell. She is not coping with me being unwell and taking my son down in the process. He is in the middle at every turn being chewed up by MI. She still hasn't got help. I hide in my bedroom everyday now for most of the day. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

That was definitely not a whinge about not including me @Former-Member .... more a "knock, knock .... can I come in ?"

My spidy senses were telling me that that was a big part of what it's about with you at the moment, and I hope I can help ....

Just home from the coffee bar ... will settle things a bit here and be back ....

[Faith-and-Hope]

You there @Former-Member ?

[Former-Member]

Yeah @Faith-and-Hope

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi .... 🤗💕

I'm gonna type something into my notes page first, cos it's sorta conceptual in my head and feelings at the moment .... think you know what I mean by that .... and I need to get it into words to be able to convey it to you and chat about it with you from there .... 

Stay tuned .... 

💜🐠

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member .... 🌷💜

Okay .... first some practical tips .....

S2(?)g has specifically requested that a psych or other professional to contact her .... I think when she is holed up in her room and requesting that again, see whether you can call in a locum doctor .... seeing a gp is the first step in pursuing treatment for emotional / psychological issues I believe, and that might get the ball rolling in terms of a diagnosis and treatment .... 🏵

Next .... although you are still actively parenting S4, effectively yours is an adult household who are, in fact, house-sharing .... that means that your role has shifted somewhat from being the parent, to being the CEO of your "body corporate" .... in other words, the household needs to be operating a bit like a block of flats with communal laundry and kitchen facilities .... don't wanna upset you if I draw the analogy of a backpackers hostel .... but I think you get the idea ....

I went to boarding school from 12yo, then to a uni dorm-share from 17. It's useful to keep a roll of thin masking tape and a black marker pen available for labelling everyone's stuff - the owner does their own - if you have different choices in, say, milk or cereal - and I am assuming their is something of a pitching in for the purchase of food and household supplies ?

While my kids are in the same sort of zone, we manage the finances for most things, and the kids just buy in their own specifics, particularly once they're in the workforce. If I were a single mum, it would be the same as what I am suggesting to you.

Think of your house as being like a business premises, if that helps ....

With everyone operating as adults, albeit some are baby ones, it means that they also get to have some sort of say about how things function - eg laundry, meals, household maintenance, lawns, etc I hope there is a sense of everyone pitching in at some level or another.

This teams-man-ship, no matter how wonky or basic it may be at the moment, is actually a vehicle for healing your family unit .... being you and the kids .... as with babies leaning to walk, or planting a seedling and watching it grow, this foundational functionality will morph with time and attention into a glue, and a relationship.

This might seem a bit incongruous if your basic communications have ground to a halt, but there is a method in this .... you can get on with everyday practicality without having to communicate a whole lot .... and by modelling it .... the ordering of the environment becomes scaffolding for the relationships. That was one reason I suggested that you clean or at least straighten something the other day.

Part two will be about identifying and establishing some relationship boundaries ....
💜🌷💕