Struggling with Depression Recovery

[Annonymous95]

Hi there, 

I have never posted on a forum before, so just seeking some support I suppose. 

I have been struggling in an MDD episode for around a year now, and hit rock bottom around three weeks ago. I am on a new medication (I did change earlier in the year as well but that one did nothing for me), have a recovery program in place as I've had to go off work, and an incredibly supportive fiance and family. I know that I am extremely privileged to have all this. 

I have had to temporarily move back home with my family, as my parents work in health and it's safer for me to be here than at home alone while my finance is at work. This is about two hours from where my home is. 

Currently, I am on day two of being fully off my old anti depressant (not sure if I can name on here, but it's one of the worst to come off of due to the short half life) and three weeks into my new anti depressant (I cross tapered). The discontinuation symptoms from the old antidepressant are awful and mostly emotional for me - extreme mood swings, anxiety, depression, crying and anger; I feel like I'm living in a  parallel universe to everyone else. 

At what point am I going to get better? I'm taking my medication, I'm doing all the things of sticking to a sleep schedule, exercise, getting psychological assistance where I can (my psychologist has unfortunately gone on leave for the entirety of this month so I'm trying to do CBT etc self guided) but every day is just groundhog day. 

I don't understand what I have done to deserve this. I have a beautifully quiet and average life, and I don't understand why this is happening to me. 

I feel like I am just a placeholder for a person, and I am holding back my fiance and my family from having good lives because I exist. This is a waste of a life, I don't want to die per se, but at what point do we say I'm never going to get better and this is it for me, how I will always be? I'm exhausted. 

[tyme]

Hey @Annonymous95 ,

I just want to say Welcome to the forums. 

We look forward to hearing the community's experiences as they share insights based on your experiences.

You are not alone.

[tyme]

Tagging @AlwaysMyself @Oaktree @Shaz51 @Till23 

See the above post.

[Angeltree]

phew pretty heavy.

i think expert self care is needed till you recover.

have you thought about having a break for a while and just focus on daily ‘you’ activities.

i have a tendency to throw myself in the deep end too

i have learnt to pace myself so I always have enough colour in my life for enjoyment

Font be so perfectionist about recovery just let it evolve maybe

[Till23]

Hi @Annonymous95 and welcome to the forums. I hope you are able to get some support here.

I'm pretty sure I know the antidepressant to which you referred to as withdrawing from.

You are correct in that we cannot mention medication names on here.

My experience of being on it is actually good (as in it helps my MH symptoms but has some not nice side effects), but withdrawal is terrible, takes me months to recover from withdrawal. I have a lot of gut symptoms from withdrawal including lots of nausea and some neurological type ones.

With MH it's almost never anything that you "have done" to cause the MH issues.

I have a childhood trauma background and have cPTSD, depression and anxiety and have done so for decades. 

Some people will recover from a MDD episode and not have another, some people have episodes off and on (and can have years or decades between episodes) and some have chronic MDD. 

No one can predict how long an episode will last ....unfortunately.

Even if you have a more chronic version it does not mean you cannot manage it and find joy and success (the definition of which, is a personal one) in your life.

I have retired now, but had a long working life in 3 major careers and studied to post graduate level. I am currently involved in a sport which is taking me around the world, I have recently returned from a sport trip to Europe.

Some people describe success as having a fantastic family life, raising children etc, but whatever the definition is for you, it can happen, even though at times it doesn't feel like that

I hope my post has helped you in some small way to feel less alone in your situation and maybe give you  another perspective

[AlwaysMyself]

Hi @Annonymous95 , I'm glad you've reached out to ask for some help and perspectives and support. 🙂 I hope we can be a positive factor in your life, and especially an additional support whilst your psych is on leave. Changing medications is a rough time, and even more so when you have the chemical withdrawal responses happening in your body too! I hope the medication side settles down soon and the new medication works well and helps to improve your baseline mood again soon.

Im glad to hear you're still making an effort to continue the work (CBT etc) whilst your psych is on leave. I know it can be hard to notice and challenge thoughts sometimes, especially if they are ingrained beliefs or a loss of hope in recovery.

I really like @Till23 's response about how "success" in life can mean different things to different people, and MDD doesn't have to hold you back from a fulfilling life. It can make it more challenging, that's for sure, but it doesn't make things impossible in the longterm.

As Till said, MDD can be a single episode, multiple episodes of any length and (in)frequency, or chronic/constant. I really struggled with this initially (and am reminded of this with your question about when it will end or if it will always be this way) because therapists and doctors always said "it will get better. Do xxx and it will help.' Unfortunately for me most* things did not help (exercise, diet, etc) and it did not improve by itself over time either. What did change for me though was how I was able to manage my thoughts and feelings to reduce their impact on my life.

*some things did help - especially for healing trauma-based trust issues. But my underlying MDD did not.

Let me assure you, you do not DESERVE depression, and you haven't done anything for it. Some people may be more prone to it genetically, or experience things in life that also increase chances of it. But some others are lucky and arent affected that way. 

Personally, I am so lucky that somehow I don't have anxiety (even despite a trauma background) - I just have chronic MDD. Why? I have no idea! 

I do hope it will be episodic (maybe even singular??) for you. But even if it is not, its not the end of your life. 🙂 

Just as Till and many others are also able to continue to live a meaningful and productive life, I have also been able to. I work part-time, but I can still work. I did a university degree slowly over 8 years. I have some quality friendships with people who love me for myself and accept that my experiences make me see life a little different from most people. I choose not to have children, but I choose to do volunteer work with at-risk youth to mentor them short-term as my way of giving to the community and future generations. I still save up money for my main interest - travelling overseas (sure, if I was fully abled I could work fulltime and earn more money, but I learned to accept this limitation).

I am fairly open to chat about what will help support you best. Feel free to tag me (use the @ symbol) and I'll respond when able. 😊

[Shaz51]

Morning @Annonymous95 

how are you this morning 

sitting with you and letting you know that you are not alone my friend 

I have Kidney disease stage 4 17% function with only one kidney with soo many other complications that goes with it 

I really like @Till23 's response about how "success" in life can mean different things to different people, and MDD doesn't have to hold you back from a fulfilling life. It can make it more challenging, that's for sure, but it doesn't make things impossible in the long-term.

@AlwaysMyself , @Till23 , @Angeltree , @tyme