Lived Experience Forum

[Lemonjuice]

Hi, The dreaded Wednesday has arrived. Follow a day in the life of this POS and then give me a reason not to end her.

Sorry...not deleting anything. The above is an alter. I'm safe...don't worry. Sitting next to my mother watching tv and writing this. I'm switching rapidly and I can't keep going back and correcting and deleting cause it makes them angry and we have fights and it's plain exhausting. So I will just write everything as it's happening but someone will keep coming out to state if we are safe or not. If you're confused...so am I.

I woke up...took my nephew to school. He of course told me not to speak because I asked him if he wanted money. Then I came back home to clean the kitchen for two hours after they...niece and nephew...decided to cook at midnight last night. I finally slept last night at 2am and woke up at 6.30am. Of course, I am all happy and alert...not.

Oh yippee...she's screaming to dump the phone and go to the park. She wants me to go to a secluded park to harm myself. I've agreed to do it but later. It's payment for not suiciding like she wanted. Maybe as the day goes on she will forget and go away so I don't have to. It works sometimes.

So exhausted by all of this.

Anyone know the actor Gabriel Byrne...ain't he delicious! Just discovered him a couple of days ago...totally have a crush on him.

Anyhow, better got crack open a book...brilliance doesn't happen sitting on a couch watching tv. Catcha later folks. Have a great day.

[Lunar]

Hello @Lemonjuice

Sounds like a really tough day, you have managed to do so much already with your nephew though so good work.

I hope you can manage to take good care of yourself for the rest of the day as you are feeling exhausted from switching, reading a book sounds like a great thing to do.

Gabriel Byrne is fantastic, I have seen him in a couple of films, is he australian?

[Lemonjuice]

@Lunar Gabriel is an Irish boy! 😍

[Lemonjuice]

Going out for shopping. So far, everything is ok. Coloured my hair before, made me feel a little better about myself.

[outlander]

"Oh yippee...she's screaming to dump the phone and go to the park. She wants me to go to a secluded park to harm myself. I've agreed to do it but later. It's payment for not suiciding like she wanted. Maybe as the day goes on she will forget and go away so I don't have to. It works sometimes."

@Lemonjuice that concerns me, what to do you mean to harm yourself as payment for not suiciding? your payment should be that your alive and still here

[Lemonjuice]

@outlander I have been diagnosed with DID. I have an alter that is violent towards me. They want me dead or experiencing pain. They have been waiting for this day for the last month. I have managed to hold it off for the past week and a half. Then it realized it might not get the suicide it wanted so it started to nag me about self-harming. I had a safety plan for the day but they refused to let me implement it but it ended up that I couldn't get away from my mother for the day to be alone to self-harm. Now they want to shift the day to tomorrow but I am trying to negotiate for the self-harm to be done today but at lesser damage...bandaid stuff...but they/it, wants tomorrow and greater damage. Lol, like a scene out off some mafia movie. "Hey boss, you want a hit job on Harry." "Nah, Harry and me are real close...just make the medical bills expensive." Gotta laugh with this insanity. Don't worry, this ain't the first time I've experienced this. I just need to keep holding off and negotiating down and keeping busy and eventually they go away.

[outlander]

thank you for explaining that @Lemonjuice 

i dont have any experience with DID, however i do with voices but onyl when im stressed out. i tend to ignore them. keep putting it off, keep yourself busy, keep yourself grounded and remind yourself that you are you and you dont have to listen to your alter ego. 

[Former-Member]

@Lemonjuice i can realte to so much of what you just said that inerrer tormoil to stay in control and having sombody inside who wants to hurt and destroy everything its not easy at all. I hope that you manage to keep yourself safe. I am unsure of what DID is to be honest but reading your post speaks volumes to me. I am sorry the struggle is so much for you right now. *hugs*

[Lemonjuice]

@Former-Member Thanks. So far, I have been a good girl lol.

DID stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's the new fancy word for the old Multiple Personality Disorder. It just means that I have developed a way of dealing with trauma and difficult situations by splitting off parts of myself so that I don't have to deal with the emotions, thoughts or memories. I'm not convinced that I have that disorder but it's close enough that in hidden places like this I let myself use it.

Have you been given a diagnosis? Only if you wish to share.

[Former-Member]

@Lemonjuice i have been diagnosed with PTSD depression and anxiety. but my god i can relate to so much of what you are saying. I often struggle to put it into words because i know how far fetched it sound if i say things like 'feel like people inside of me' and struggle to stay in control of myself. it then makes me stress more because i know how far fetched it all sounds.

I am glad that you have been able to manage ok so far! i was glad to stumble across your post tonight so thankyou for that *hug*