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[Ot2]

Hi all,

This last week has been tough. I feel really special but not in a good way because of my childhood trauma and not getting my emotional needs met.

I have been separating my thoughts and feelings into the different modes, vulnerable child, emotional deprivation, detachment protector and avoidant protector and healthy adult but today I just feel so unregulated and alone. In these moment's something shifts. I go from normally really wanting people to reach out when they don't, to people reaching out and me purposefully ignoring it. I feel so conflicted. I feel so exhausted and tired. I just want a break, I just want someone to be there and take a bit of my weight for a bit. I had this friend I thought I could go to but I realised I was self-sabotaging by being there. I have felt really terrible before and she's been there but it hasn't been the support I needed. So now I feel I'm back on my own facing this again.

It really freaking sucks that my parent's didn't help me develop these skills earlier. It's so much harder to do it on my own. I've been watching parenting videos of parents with their babies when they see what behaviour happens and what they do. It's so new to me. What's healthy for development is not something I've learnt.

So yeah, I'm struggling today. I know there's always tomorrow. I've been feeling like crap for days and I'm aware that sometimes I can get into a downward spin.

[tyme]

Hey @Ot2 , i'm totally hearing you. 

Those early years of development are so important. Yet like you, I also didn't get what I needed. I cannot blame my parents though as I'm sure they did the best they could. 

It took a long time for me to acknowledge that my development was affeccted by limited early attachments with my parents. My psychologist told me, but I refused to accept it because I knew my parents did what they knew, and thought it was right.

By acknolwedging this, I had space to heal... otherwise, I may still be blaming them.

[Ot2]

It's such a tough feeling right now. I went to reach out to a friend and they couldn't support me with what I needed. Normally, I kind of give them a pass because they're style of supporting doesn't help. Like I feel very vulnerable right now and they said "you just need to be". Like, that does not help at all. I don't feel validated at all. Especially cause when she's feeling horrible and doesn't know who else to call, she calls me. I validate and I do a lot but don't get it in return. I feel left out here. I feel sad again. The night is almost done. I have work tomorrow. I just feel so lost and hopeless and like I said, being there for myself is exhausting as well as being myself?? Like feeling all that I do and then being able to be 'there' for myself at the same time is so difficult. No one gets it. I can't explain it to anyone.

[tyme]

Hey @Ot2 ,

I can hear how frustrating that is @Ot2 . I know how much effort and energy it takes to reach out in the first place, only to be unsupported....

I wonder if this friend is simply out of their depth and has no idea what to do or say?

I can see you are doing what you can.

If you feel you need to speak to someone tonight, please reach out to Lifeline 13 11 14 or SCBS 1300 659 467