Schema's schema's schema's

[Ot2]

Hi all

I've recently spoken about my schema's with my therapist that are impacting my perception of my reality. They appear to be very strong and I understand that I;ve had these ways of coping for over 2 decades and it's going to take time to help it. At the moment I have a mantra written on my phone lockscreeen, "I'm here for you. You don't have to do this alone." It speaks to my younger self that didn't get my emotional needs met even from infancy (which was quite shocking to hear in the session). It's a healthy adult voice that feels and sounds so foreign when i say it.

I relate it to taking medication. I started a few months ago now and the initial weeks were challenging. I did it every day and it has definitely helped. I'm doing the same with the mantra. I think it's longer away than it is. I feel dissapointed and sad that I have to re-parent myself. I feel like I miss out on enjoying life to the fullest because I have to be more attune to myself than how I imagine others would be.

It's like I am who I am in spite of my parents.

I've been working on identifying the maladaptive schema's that come up in everyday life and the body feeling that takes over is very frustrating. It's reacting straight away, get's tense, it freezes.I don't feel or think that there's nothing to worry about in these circumstances. I am worried about confrontation because I will try and have a boundary and say something that makes me feel a certain way but don't get listened to.

The worst part about the triggering of the schema's is when it happens with friends. When I'm hanging with them and I get put into this trance-like state where I pretty much cannot think and unsee them as a bad person now. In those moments I want to leave so I can get clarity and help myself. It's hard to push through. If I don't push through, I get less time to hang with people. I'm getting used to silences when hanging out too. Not talking all the time, just spending time being there.

Any thoughts or comments are welcome. I felt like I needed to write to a place that understands more about schema's than just my therapist.

Look after yourselves.

[SANE-Admin]

Thank you for sharing. 

We all have our range of schemas, and being reflective about them can certainly help us move forward.

I look forward to hearing the community's responses. @Ot2 

[AlwaysMyself]

Hi @Ot2 ,

I don't know much about the framework of Schema therapy, but when I had read about the concept in the past it's made sense. I think my past therapists have probably incorporated it along with other things and not labelled it - i often find this when reading about different counselling treatments (DBT, schema, ACT, etc). I think CBT was the only one I was ever told "this is CBT" lol.

If you're willing to share to improve my understanding, I'd enjoy to learn more about what you've learnt? 

Reading your self-reflections i can definitely relate to the speaking to your past self / inner child. I remember doing some of that with allowing myself to feel, acknowledge and process grief for "and lost childhood" due to depression - those carefree years of fun that most children experience that I have not known.

Does your therapy look at identifying what the triggers are for your 'freeze' reaction?

Is that an anxiety type of reaction? (Im thinking the fight or flight response, which also has a freeze too) (just trying to understand more what you're experiencing there 🙂 )

Is there opportunity/acceptance in those situations to ask for a 5min break/time to respond in order to process and 'unfreeze' without having to miss out completely?

I love you attitude that you are trying to find ways through this and seeking support from peers on what's helped them too. 🙂 

[Patches59]

@AlwaysMyself @Ot2 

I’ve been doing schema therapy with my psychologist most of this year.

for me it has meant identifying auto reactions that have led to response or thoughts to a situation, identifying the schema.  Identifying where I learnt to react or think that way and using brain storming to look at possible reasons the event may have happened.

eg my auto negative thoughts that happened when no messages from a relative for few months.  Identifying my fears, sources of those fears and any related triggers.  Brainstorming all possible reasons why she may not have messaged me. Using that brainstorming to examine possible reasons for no contact and then using the brainstorming to change my view and thoughts on the situation.  Eg she might be unwell, busy, been away from home etc.

downside I’ve found is brainstorming all possible reasons for actions of another person and trying to decide what is most likely the reason for their actions becomes overwhelming.  My brain starts looking only on positive side of things, scales are fully one sided and tend to miss red flags.

[AlwaysMyself]

Thanks @Patches59 , that makes a lot of sense to me, and yep is something I do too which I find very helpful. I also use it to understand why someone may behave in a different way to me. I am often quick to think maybe I have done something wrong or they don't want contact with me anymore if a person does not respond too, and sometimes that can be the case, but also to realise it may be due to them being very busy, or having seen the message at an unavailable time and then forgetting to respond later (I do this too sometimes!). I've learned over time that if it is something/someone important to me, that I can be open and ask them the reason in a curious and caring way -- to make sure it was not my doing (and if it was, apologise) and check *they* are OK too.

[Patches59]

@AlwaysMyself   Always blaming myself.  Wondering what I did wrong.   Know these all too well.

started down that train of thoughts recently due to something on the forums.  Took some time to feel and realise I didn’t do anything wrong.  

Looking at some of my schemas I’ve started trying to remind myself of things I can and can’t control.  Is definitely helping, have been able to reduce punishing myself for things out of my control.  

[Fadednfried223]

what are schemas

[Patches59]

@Fadednfried223 

Schemas are our core beliefs which are established in childhood.  Core beliefs we use through life to view the world and interpreter things.

[Ot2]

I was just in a pretty highly emotional state and felt very distressed and overwhelmed but this time I didn’t go to ChatGPT to ask questions based on my intrusive thoughts. I didn’t result to Instagram or anything that would distract me. I just tried to sit and let it pass through. well, what gave me a big sigh of relief and felt like I lifted the weight of my shoulders, was seeing this empty space where I can add text. Knowing that this is a space where even if I can’t explain things to anybody for them to understand completely, knowing that I can do it here seem to bring me some kind of peace in this moment. 

coming back to this feeling of being alone, it is very heavy and even though I have a mantra to remind myself that there are people that care about me there seems to always be different situations that pop up that show me that or make me feel like I’m alone. tonight being a 5th to 2 couples going bowling and then a third wheel with a good friend of mine and this guy she’s now seeing.

I guess it comes back to my needs not being met. That would be my emotional deprivation schema. It comes back to when I was an infant feeling any kind of negative reaction and needing reassurance but getting palmed off or not taking seriously even as a child.

At the same time my experience with what happened is my experience even though parts of it might not be completely true. It is exhausting and frustrating to see these things pop up.

one of the hardest parts is recognising what’s happening and which schema is being activated because normally I get into therapy and she tells me which parts have been activated in which schema is at play and I couldn’t even think about those. I was more focused on how I felt and I guess fixing it. it is very difficult to feel what I feel and parent myself at the same time when I’ve not really ever looked out for myself or what I need apart from removing myself from people and being on my own.

[TunedIn]

Hi @Ot2 

It's great to hear that you tried a different approach to coping with a distressing emotional state - and it sounds like sitting with the emotions worked well for you where the emotions were able to pass through, leading to a sigh of relief and like a weight had been lifted. That sounds like a real win 🙌

I can hear there are definitely still some challenges for you in feeling alone, being able to meet your needs, and recognising what's happening and which schema is being activated. It's great you've been able to share more about this here and that you also have the support of your therapist 🌿. 

Take Care 

TunedIn🎶