Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Oh sorry, yeah got confused. Sorry to hear about your father. That is painful to hear. Do enjoy your time together. Create lovely memories. 

As for you take care of yourself and your health as best you can. Xxxx 

I've woken up early as my mate is coming over at 7. I had some really disturbing messages from a friend last night. Banter between us back and forth. I'm actually quite disgusted by the way she treated me. It was actually very abusive psychologically and way over the top. I'm not actually wanting to speak to her at all and it has made me question if this is someone I do want in my life as a friend. 

She did everything my ex did. I don't have time now but I'll share later. Xxxx

[Sam3]

Thanks for your reply @Anastasia Is there anything we can do/think to alleviate feeling inferior/different do you think? It holds me back so much. I've asked my psychologist and she simply said the 'not good enough' issue is too hard to budge! 

[Sam3]

@Powderfinger  thanks so much for replying - I really appreciate it. I especially thank you for being honest about your functioning because I've also been slack on self-care at times (3 days in my PJs recently!). I really feel for you having to live with that diagnosis & I like that you have framed it as nothing you "caused". What you do with your work sounds clever & gratifying and I admire that. I also really loved your comment about people without mental illness who 'suck'! How do you deal with feeling inferior (or slack, avoidant, not productive if you have those thoughts/feelings?). Thanks again for your support & I hope I've been able to encourage you on your journey. I hope to hear from you again soon. 

[Anastasia]

Hey @Sam3 

It's really nice to see you...it's a hard one. Self help books, DBT course, affirmations stuck around the place. Bloody hard to undo a lifetime of self doubt and insecurities xxx

@Powderfinger 

[Sam3]

Thanks @Anastasia  I appreciate your response. Do you have any favourite affirmations you're willing to share? Mine include "It's enough" You're enough" "Something is better than nothing". I wish I could keep a routine/get tasks done on a regular basis but I've never really been able to & less so since mental illness. My close friend of 35 years therefore thinks it's ridiculous to expect myself to achieve a routine!!!! Having said that I do manage a body scan before work & a brief walk after work .. so to quote myself "something is better than nothing"! 
@Powderfinger 

[Anastasia]

Hi @Sam3 

I wish I did. I'm not very good at self care when it comes.to affirmations. I probably should. I struggle to "fit everything in". I do follow some positive quote pages.on Instagram. Food for.thought. I do.like.yours. I definitely think it's possible to work towards a routine. Don't give up on that. Perhaps start a list of what you want to achieve. Look up smart goals. Use that perhaps as your starting point. 

Hey @Powderfinger thinking of you too 💕

[Powderfinger]

@Sam3 

I read your response twice and could only take in a little of it. All I can say to your compliments right now is thank you. I actually cant tell you right now how I deal with those feelings you mentioned. I guess I am consumed with a lot of hurt, deep pain, confusion and I am scared. I am sorry that at this point I cannot really be of any further assistance. 

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

I am not really sure what to say right now. I have a bit I want to say but everything feels so jumbled. My last customer for the day came about an hour ago so it is the first time I am alone now and just resting my body and hopefully my mind soon. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and somewhat panicked/stressed. I am also hurting a lot. 

Since I came home on Friday night, I have not done a lot around the house. It still feels really surreal to me. I went and sat in what used to be our room today. I am not ready to move back in there. Too many memories. I cannot seem to get my thoughts straight about much at all. When I left on Thursday, she was not home. I blocked her number as soon as I left and I have not unblocked it since. There has been a part of me that has wanted to, but I have not. I have not blocked her from sending me any emails, but have blocked her on social media. 

I did not do it out of nastiness, I did it because I needed to. I have a lot of moments of disbelief. Alot of moments when my brain is blank and cannot think or process anything. Im not ready for therapy. I just am not. I'd like to be able to talk but not from a therapuetic point of view. Im just really not interested at the moment. 

I just think to myself, well what would I even say if I was to contact her anyway? I cannot think of a word to even say. On the other hand, I am very sad we didn't get to talk at all. I am processing and thinking well was that really out of my control that it wasn't an option? I do miss her. I miss the kind, loving, sweet and adorable parts of her. I miss making plans together. I do not miss all the other things I went through. There is just so many thoughts running through my head all day, even when I have distracted myself by working on jobs I have got. 

This house was a house that was for us. I guess the dominating thought is why would you want to give up on love, give up on me and give up on the relationship? I dont know maybe I am just naieve about love. I really don't want anyone saying to me you will find someone else, plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe I do not want to find someone else. I am not just saying that because I have just come out of a relationship. Maybe finding someone just isn't right for me and my life anymore. I'd at least like the chance to determine that for myself, however long ti takes me. 

I tried to get my deep love for her to reach her suffering and pain. I guess her walls were just too thick. I remember all the times I was ecstatically happy and I remember all the times I felt lower that what any limbo stick can go. I feel really lost. I am not sure what that is about either. It is almost like a piece of me is missing. I do not think she really ever understood my love for her. How deep it went. How genuine it was. I feel pretty empty. Now and then I think of her in her new place. I think to myself, she is more than likely happy to have her life back without me in it. Doing what she likes when she likes. I know I am making assumptions. I guess it just felt to me when she was here that I was in her way of her life. More so towards the last month of her being here. She did say quite a while back that I will not hear from her unless I miss a payment on things that we are paying off. 

Then I have had the thought that well she still lives in my town. It is a small town. Likely to see her around at some stage. Not sure what to do with that either. I have a full on week ahead. I am not really looking forward to it. I am finding it really hard to do a lot. I still have not found a housemate. So that is $800 rent on my own. I just go blank with that but I know I cannot afford to go blank, I have to sort something out by this coming Thursday. There are many times in the day where I do wish I could have helped to save my relationship. 

[Anastasia]

Hi gorgeous @Powderfinger 

Everything you are feeling is completely and utterly understandable. You are going to question everything, even if you made the right decision, was it you, that type of thing. You did what was necessary, the right thing for you. You weren't being treated the way anyone should be.

Giving you a big squeezy hug cause this time for you really is :pile_of_poo: and I'm sorry you are having to do this. 

Tagging some members who may have some advice or just able to support you during this tumultuous time beautiful girl ❤️

@Zoe7 @Peri @Former-Member @TideisTurning @Shaz51 @outlander @Snowie @Eve7 @@emelia8...

Hmmmm tagging not working, can you please tag as well? Thank you 🙏🌸🌷

[Powderfinger]

Hi @Anastasia 

Yes, I'm questioning a lot. I was so deeply invested in my relationship and her. Maybe a bit too much. I'm.reading up about trauma bonding as well. It's all just very messy right now. I read other people's posts. Partners that are married or in a relationship with others who have an MI. Most seem determined to stand by their spouses or partners even though the relationship/marriage is not a good one. 

I think to myself did I give her that understanding and compassion? I know that through the horrible ways I was treated, every single time I did provide help at some point. Ways to deal with things, positive interactions about MI and mental health. I knew a lot from my own long history. I thought I was being helpful. Thus is the issue though, working out the fine line between an MI and abuse. 

Any therapist would say you do not deserve to be abused because of a mental illness. I tend to go with that. Then as I said I read these sorts of posts and question. 

I guess I have to go with how I was feeling, especially in the last month. I'd had enough. I had no more try in me. No more do in me. Everything was constantly changing to the point I didn't even know what was going on anymore or where I stood. 

I was feeling like I was in her way. In her way if living her life doing whatever she wanted to do. It wasn't a nice feeling. A very far cry from what she used to feel. I know things change in a relationship, I'm not daft. It's not the changes, it's the way she went about it all. It was unnecessary. With adequate communication it would have been fine. 

To this day I do not know why she saw me as "abusive". An abusive partner. I kept making up excuses in my head. She hadn't known anything but abuse. How could she recognise love? At the end if the day, letting her go was exceptionally hard. I had hit absolute rock bottom though. I couldn't take anymore. 

For people that truly know me, and know me well. They know I'm not an abusive person. It's really hard when you've been slammed over and over again and told to take responsibility. We had many full on arguments about it. 

Xxxx