Compassion fatigue: When caring hurts too much

[CherryBomb]

I love that quote @fran - I think it speaks volumes to what @maddison I were talking about. Thanks for sharing. 

I wonder how many of us will have time to do some of these activities in the next week?

I'm planning a sleep-in tomorrow! That's a treat for me. 

[maddison]

Hi @CherryBomb
Thanks for replying. Its so refreshing to have someone listen and relate, especially when I feel I'm drowning in madness around me!!
I think part of the exhaustion comes from the position of helplessness I find myself....when I want so badly to provide care, and my absolute best efforts are simply not enough. As difficult as it is to accept that someone you care about is very ill( either physically or mentally), it's the acceptance that sometimes the greatest compassion I have to offer, is simply not enough...thus I feel hopeless, helpless, exhaustion, defeated. It is harder to put into words. I guess I am saying, that sometimes I wish I had better strategies or education in how to deal with situations.

Like you said, being reactive/ negative is something I would love to be able to avoid as much as possible, for myself and loved ones.

Thanks again..I am very much looking forward to a sleep soon too!

Bye maddi

[CherryBomb]

@maddison ahhh I hear ya! Acceptance is never easy. But I also think it's knowing what to accept that can be helpful. For instance, can you possibly be doing anymore? I faced the same question tonight. I was asking myself, could I be doing more, I'm not sure if I've done enough, and after talking it through with someone else (getting my thoughts out really help!), I reaslied that I've done all I could, there's only so much I can do today. It's hard to accept this. I guess, in the end, it all comes from a place of just wanting to see the people we care about get better, but yes, there's only so much we can do. 

Hope you get some much deserved rest! 

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @fran @maddison and @Luigi

And of course....@CherryBomb & @Karma,

Isnt this an interesting thread. It feels like you are all able to articulate yourself so much better than I can. 

What @Karma writes is something I'm working on....I think. @Karma writes; 

"It appears that anger is a secondary emotion that is more easily expressed and accepted in our society, but more difficult to address are those emotions of hurt, abandonment, resentment and sadness."

I can say yes, this is me too @CherryBomb.Yes, I have shame too. Thank you for telling me this. I have this shame almost every day sometimes. 

Im just thinking; 

When my husband goes......feral ...shouting or just...standing in our  unit.....it's easy to have memories from the past when he was badly behaved and police were practically  living at our doorstep......

I have noticed that now I need to make a personal plan to do every time than losing my cool and looking nasty at him. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed,,,,,I feel like collapsing but I need to get a plan because I can now see it's only huge fear and confusion.

How do I do this? 

The part in thse conversations that I'm connecting with is these threads is with 

@Luigi writing  her Mother's manipulations

@maddison overwhelmed and isolated .... when it gets too much and this is me pretty much every morning. 

@fran ignoring symptoms and carrying on.

Actually staying still and reading the threads and also starting my own.....not being able to read them straight away because you are so overwhelmed but then....re reading them and connecting with them. I then feel the love and I give a moment to my husband in that he's trying so hard to so the right thing. But it's easy not to see that. 

I wonder if @Sukaurapuss can relate to this or @Billamba too...

[aristosane]

Hello @Luigi I just wanted to let you know how very courageous you are.  Reading your post I felt like you'd looked inside my head and heart and spoken aloud what I struggle to say.  You've had to deal with so much heartache and unpredictability and I understand your hopelessness.  

I too had to look after someone from a very young age (my twin sister).  We grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who didn't protect us from childhood sexual abuse so in the midst of dysfunction I slipped into a mother role to save my sister.  

My daughter suffers with anxiety and PTSD and hasn't been in mainstream schooling since 2013 so I do understand your hopelessness and concerns about your son's future.  As parents we want to see our children living out their dreams and succeeding their every goal.  Last year my daughter was sectioned to a mental unit for 4 months.  I was devastated.  But now, for the first time in her life she is speaking of finishing school and doing online TAFE courses - not often but even just once is a step further from where she was.  

Please don't give up.  We are here for you 

[Shaz51]

I'm planning a sleep-in tomorrow! That's a treat for me. -- that is a good idea @CherryBomb, I think I might do that tomorrow

and the other one I might do is a soak in epsom salts , even if it is in a small square tub

Hello @aristosane, @PeppiPatty, @maddison, @fran xx

[Shaz51]

Hello @NikNik,

I did have that sleep-in on saturday morning -- 8am  @NikNik

also had my hair done in the afternoon

[Appleblossom]

Glad you had your sleep in and hair done @Shaz51

Time for YOU.

I am learning to respect when I am all out of compassion.  My mother socialised me in the Legion of Mary to be kind to all the old, sick, lonely and poor.  I have tried and seen the value and the limits of that approach.

I am slowly learning new ways to relate, like having fun or just being me ... it has been very scary territory to move in to.

[Shaz51]

You wrote @Appleblossom

I am slowly learning new ways to relate, like having fun or just being me ... it has been very scary territory to move in to.-- I know what you mean xx

it feels really strange and I actually feel Guilty having "Me Time "

[Shaz51]

Hello @CherryBomb, @Appleblossom, @aristosane, @PeppiPatty, @maddison, @Former-Member

Compassion fatigue 

 Warning signs - cognition

• Intrusive thoughts and/or images of consumers’ traumatic situations
• Developing a worldview in terms of victims and perpetrators
• Decreased sense of safety
• Increased suspicion of others
• Decreased trust in others
• Diminished feelings of personal control and freedom
• Feelings of therapeutic impotence/helplessness
• Loss of hope
• Guilt
• Victim-blaming
• Diminished sense of purpose, accomplishment, or enjoyment of work
• Difficulties with attention and concentration
• Increased forgetfulness

Warning signs – psychological / emotional warning signs

• Increased anger and irritability
• Lower frustration tolerance
• Depression
• Decreased ability to feel joy
• Increased feelings of anxiety
• Feelings of horror or dread
• Inability to maintain balance between empathy and objectivity
• Feeling unappreciated, alienated, and isolated
• Emotional withdrawal from colleagues, friends, and family
• Over-identification with person you’re supporting

Warning signs – Physical

• Chronic fatigue
• Increased somatic complaints (headache, stomach aches, back pain, etc.)
• Increased muscle tension
• Physiological arousal in the form of palpitations and hypervigilance

• Warning signs – behavioural
• Difficulty sleeping (insomnia or oversleeping)
• Workaholism
• Increase in addictive behaviors such as compulsive eating or substance abuse
• Impairment in day-to-day functioning including missed or cancelled appointments
• Increased isolation
• Chronic lateness
• Increased absenteeism from work

Compassion fatigue is different to burn out, but can have related warning signs. However, the main differences are compassion fatigue can happen quickly and is mostly focused on a person or one element of your life (ie: a nurse may still be able to show compassion and support for a family member or friend, but not patients or collegues). While it's quick to come, it can also be quick to go, especially when focusing on self-care.

While burn out is a slow burn (see what I did there?) It often is related to a number of things in your life building up and spilling over, so it's gradual. It often hits us harder and can be longer to recover from.