Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

Well i have only been home a short while. I was out far longer than i intended. I added in some retail therapy! Gosh im exhusted.

What can i say Razzle ........ you have been through so much. Some of your experiences resinate with me. I hid my grief over my fathers death for quiet a few years, but then it came to the surface and i could hide it no more.

Losing a child is something noone should have to face. I cant begin to imagine just how hard that is.  It took me many years to come to terms with it. But even now when i think of him there is still a sadness there. And i accept that, and its ok. I sincerely hope you get the support you need to help you work through your grief. 

I suspect your husband is in shock and doesnt know what to say in relation to you childhood experiences. My husband just doesnt get it and doesnt see how it can still effect me today. I became very frustrated with him a few months ago over this issue and told him to go and talk to my psychiatrist. I had just had enough. I refused to sit in on the session because i knew he would hold back on what he wanted to say if i was present. He got a few thing of his chest and couples counciling was sugested.  We didnt do that. We seem to have very different views on what a marraige is. So i guess we just pretend everything is ok. I think i feel like i would verbally attack him. Years of resentment and hurt, and feeling like i dont exist untill it suites him. Hmm lots of anger underneath i think for me.

I sincerely hope you get all the support you need, and that you take good care of yourself along this bumpy road of life.

[Razzle]

Hi @Chris, it sounds like you had a lovely day, retail therapy included, sometimes it’s just nice to lose yourself in something outside of the home.

I haven’t had a great day, just had a massive panic attack followed by a crying session alone in the bathroom.  It’s been building up for a few days and finally hit.  Feel pretty crappy at the moment, at least the anxiety has calmed a bit.

My husband had a one on one session with our councillor today, he’s not handling my past very well and hasn’t been very supportive about anything so this was (I hoped and the councillor was hoping) would be the start of him understanding where I was coming from  and start being supportive.  Instead, it looks like he’s retreated into his own little world while I’m spiralling out of control on the edges.  We thought this session might break down some barriers and open a conversation, but instead he has closed himself off.

I hold so much anger and resentment against him at the moment too, I feel like I have completely opened myself up and exposed myself, I’m pretty much an open book.  It was his idea to start marriage counselling late last year, and I have committed to it and have been working so hard to mend our relationship, but I feel like he’s making

no effort at all.  I’m beyond frustrated at the moment.  I’m like you, he barely knows I exist until he needs something.

I feel like my heads about to explode  and there’s nobody to confide in, I’m so close to calling it quits.  I’ve threatened to leave twice before, and I so wish I did, I can’t stand living like this.

One foot in front of the other, maybe tomorrow will be better

[Chris]

Sitting here on my own, thoughts turn inward to days gone by. Its been a rough few days. My body has been reacting physically to all of the stress. Now here i am again feeling alone. There doesnt really seem to be anyone i can turn to. Those i once relied on have gone. I question why? Why do i feel abandoned? My thought turn to a person that left me two years ago, and i so want to contact them. They have moved several times and now i cannot trace them. I guess thats the way they want it. I still feel the pain. I still feel the loss. It just seems to me that there is noone ever to rely on. Am i such a bad person?  Am i controlling? Am i Too needy? I feel like i bend over backwards to help others yet when i need help theres noone there. I am getting to the point of saying no more therapy. Whats the point? I dont know any more. I no longer feel supported in it. Theres no point in seeing anyone new only to rehash all the old stuff and be left in the same position. I feel like im drifting aimlessly in an ocean of nothingness. Theres no point to anything anymore.

[Razzle]

@Chris  I understand where you are coming from so much.  I too have lost friends, through no fault of my own, and it makes it very hard to make new friends, how do you place trust in new people when so many before them have broken that trust ?

So sorry to hear your body is reacting to all your stress.  You said you don’t feel supported in your therapy, do you mean others don’t support you doing therapy or do you mean the actual therapist isn’t supportive ?  If it’s the first one, then although the support would be nice, the therapy is for you, not them.  If it’s the therapist that isn’t supportive, then it sounds like you have the wrong one, not all therapists are compatible to their clients.  I have been finding therapy   very helpful - for me - even though I feel the marriage councilling itself doesn’t seem to be working.

You sound a little lost at the moment, I hope it’s only a moment that will soon pass and you will start to feel better.

I’m lying in a motel room at the moment with a freshly plastered leg elevated after a slight accident yesterday while hiking.  I broke my ankle and had to be rescued by the SES and ambulance, along with some police, CERT and some national park people.  What started out as a nice hike turned into a full on rescue mission - I can laugh about it now, well, the pain killers are helping to lift my spirits.

Please take care of yourself, and know I’m always here to chat if you need ❤️

[Chris]

Sorry to hear about your accident. Good you can see the funny side of it!

Yes i do feel really lost right now, and stuck. I dont know which way to go. Ive had this current therapist for some years and she knows me really well. I dont understand why she hasnt responded to my emails. She asked me to let her know how things went in a meeting i had to attend. She also organised to have my next appointment changed as i was unable to get there. That fell through and ive heard nothing. I guess im over reacting. Ive just found out my gp is away as well so i cant even go to him. There isnt anyone else in the practice i feel comfortable with to talk to. I dont know. I feel like a lost cause right now.

[Razzle]

@Chris  That sounds so frustrating.  Maybe send her an email explaining that when you contact her you need some reassurance that she has received the message, even mention that you don’t feel like you are being listened to and taken seriously.  I think that at times when they get busy they lose their focus and aren’t aware that they are neglecting their duty of care to clients.  Mention that you are comfortable with her and it’s a big step to do therapy in the first place and you don’t want to start over with someone new.  Your therapist may just need a little nudge to refocus.  

If you have been getting some benefit from therapy up until now, then I’d stick with it, particularly if you have no one close to talk to, sometimes it’s just nice to use someone as a sounding board that isn’t that close to you.

Hope you can start to feel a bit  better today.  ❤️❤️

[Chris]

Well i got the last appointment with a gp(not my regular as he is away) arrived on time only to be told she  was running late about an hour. It was just too much. I just said I cant do this and walked out. I think i am  more fragile than i thought. Like im teatering on the edge of the big black hole once again.

[Eucalypt]

Hi there @Chris,
It sounds like you lacked the resolve to wait at the doctors for a whole hour to see a GP who was not your regular. Sometimes when we are fragile, a delay or disappointment can seem to much for us to bear. I am just going to send you an email to check in with you.

[Chris]

I felt instantly overwhemed at the prospect of having to wait an hour. It came out of the blue.its not unusual for my regular gp to be running late, so i always phone beforehand to check. I did call into another surgery but was told there were no appointments untill after 3pm today,  so i just walked out of there too.

Im home and im safe.

[Eucalypt]

Good to hear @Chris. I hope that you can do something nice for yourself at home this evening.