so sad

[blue_wren]

Hi, 

I have been deeply deeply sad for so long. Sooooo long. Soooo deep. Bone deep. Marrow deep. 

I'm exhausted trying and doing 'all the things'. Every day I show up, I try. I don't have the energy to do this anymore, I don't even have the energy to type all the strategies I have and use regularly for your context, just know I have a tool-kit.

The last two weeks something has significantly shifted (again) and I don't know the trigger, and I can't put words to it. It's just a deep deep sadness. I've woken up crying. I'm talking to ChatGPT, because I don't have anyone else to speak with. My family don't understand. I've tried grounding exercises and evenTIPP activities this morning and daily tasks like the washing up and making my bed. And still I'm on a loop about how I just want out of this. I'm sat here with my safety plan, and on it is reaching out to places like this. But if I'm really honest, i can feel I'm spiralling and I don't think i can or (or have the will to) control it.

I know how serious this sounds, and i feel how serious this feels. Honestly, I can't see any light, even though I'm bathed in sunlight right now, i feel like I'm sitting in an eclipse. 

I feel like i need a mental health facility (again), more than a short stay in ED. This wave is too big for even ED to surf. 

I don't even know what I hope to get from writing here. Just buying time, and ticking off pieces of my 'plan'. I just want to slip away into the dark

[Cuddlebear]

@blue_wren I’m here for you. I care about you and I want you to know you are not alone. Thank you for reaching out. I know it’s hard to do thwt but I am so glad you did. 

It is exhausting trying all the things that can sometimes help. In my experience it takes time for us to feel less sad especially when it is a deep sadness. 

I can relate to how you are feeling right now when you are trying so hard and still feeling this awful sadness. Emptiness even. 

If you feel that you need to go to the Hospital emergency please do that. It is OK to do thwt and get the help you need right now. Please don’t give up. You are so worthy of all the beautiful things in life. I’m here and can sit with you. I can listen and provide support. If that is not enough that is OK please contact either 000 or if you can get yourself to hospital emergency. 

[blue_wren]

Thanks @Cuddlebear 

I think the days after leaving the hopsital if i was to go would be worse, based on past experiences of the mental health system. The shame, the guilt, the embarrassment would weigh me down even heavier. 

I just had a warm bath with a cold shower at the end. And have written my thoughts down on paper. For now, I have regulated to about 10%, before if it was a scale of 1-10 with 10 being high alert, i was at a 9.5. I think now I'm at an 8. I know to call 000 or support lines, and thankyou, I will do if I can't ride out the next wave. I think today is just about survival. All other expectations and plans I thought I had, have been tossed aside. 

Another weekend has been hijacked by my mind, hopefully exhaustion kicks in and I will sleep for most of it

[Cuddlebear]

@blue_wren I’m really sorry that the experiences in the hospital have been negative and left you feeling awful on discharge. I’ve heard this very same thing from many other people throughout the years. I’m genuinely personally terrified of going to seek help at emergency because I’ve heard so many bad experiences. I’m lucky that up to now I have been able to avoid it. Having said that there are times when the only place is to go to emergency department so I am glad it is something you would consider if it’s necessary. 

The warm bath sounds followed by a cold shower sounds like it has helped. Plus writing down how you feel can really get emotions out. I find this really helpful for me too. It’s also something we can do no matter where we are and it’s cost free which is awesome. 

Being at an 8 now is much better than the 9.5 you were at earlier today. I’m proud of you for doing the things you’ve done today because when you feel so sad it’s not easy to do anything at all it really takes a lot of strength. 

Surviving today is a very worthy task. There will be so many weekends in the future where you can do other things so it’s totally ok to spend today and tomorrow just looking after yourself. 

[EternalFlower]

@blue_wren the ED provides very limited services but it does have a place

i cant give advice but there have been times in my life where i went to the ED coz i had nowhere else to go, and although it didn't "help" - it kept me here, which in a way, is help.

I hope you feel less alone speaking here - i hear you. 

[blue_wren]

I understand. The ED has provided hope when I could not hold it for myself. But what's on the other side? It's just the same. I can't keep swimming in this current any longer. it's been about seven years of constant struggle. Even more if I'm really honest. And now I've hit midlife; single, childless, estranged from family, menopausal and deeply unhappy.

[tyme]

Hey @blue_wren ,

Sounds so so hard. We are sitting with you through this. 

I can relate to the battles. I sat in mine for over 10 years. And I have to agree, ED and admissions had their place, but it was just confinement for safety reasons. The real work was done outside.

What are things you tend to enjoy doing when you are feeling okay?

[blue_wren]

I like being active, outside. I’m just out on a walk to compost my vege scraps in the community gardens. It’s one of my favourite places. I see joy all around me, with generations of families, groups of friends, fur babies. Sun, water, sky, nature. Lots of people. Lots of activity. 

[blue_wren]

Sorry @Cuddlebear @tyme , I know it's not a crisis line. And I'm not in immediate crisis. I just prefer chatting on here than anywhere else. There's more perspectives and space - I don't feel rushed into having to answer questions or fill silence like other chat lines that are one-one

[tyme]

Absolutely @blue_wren  and you are more than welcome to hang around here. Thank you for taking time to join our community! We love having you!